Black & White
by Bensler
Summary: There are some things in life that should easily be marked as black and white...but then again life has a way of mucking things up from time to time until nothing is clear. Until there is no black, no white...only gray. But then there are those times w.
1. Chapter 1

**That Disclaimer Thing That I Always Seem To Forget -** I suppose because I eat, sleep, watch, think and write SVU, I really believe they not only are mine, but are really here beside me...talking to me. Okay, okay...don't call the guys in the white coats...I'm just kidding. Really. I am. I know deep in my heart that they belong to Dick...I just borrow them. And sometimes forget to give them back. " ) Bensler

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**Something I have had partially written for a long time and hanging around the periphery of my consciousness for even longer. Just picked it up again and I think I can finish it in one more chapter...well, maybe two. Let me know what you think...or I might not finish it all! " ) Bensler**

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**Author's Chapter Notes: ****This was supposed to be a one shot...so I don't even have a chapter name. Maybe I will come up with one later... " ) Bensler**

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**Black & White**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 1**

**SVU Squad Room – Wednesday, May 6 – 7:53 a.m.**

Nearly every person he encountered on his way up to the SVU squad room had either glanced at or shot him strange looks or outright stared at him. It did not take many looks for him to become self-conscious. First thing he did was slide his hand down to check his zipper. It was closed. His clothes were all color coordinated, same kind of shoe on both feet. Shirt buttons and holes lined up. He wiped at his mouth for left over breakfast, straightened his tie, brushed non-existent dandruff from his shoulders and ran his hand over his hair. It was too short to be mussed. Finally, he came to the conclusion that he must be in serious trouble with Cragen and was the only one that was not yet privy to this information.

Fin and Munch did _not_ look at him when he entered the squad room which was more strange than all the others looking at him. He saw Cragen peek at him through the open blinds in his office. Olivia apparently had not arrived for work. He looked at this watch. He was a little later than he normally arrived but not late. Usually, she was already working away when he got there.

Upon reaching his desk, he saw that someone had left a copy of that morning's New York Ledger on his desk. In the top right hand corner was a three by three inch blue Post-It note that read simply, 'Section F, Page 5'. Taking off his jacket, he hung it on the back of his chair then walked over to the coffee table and filled his mug. Sitting down, he took a sip of the steaming liquid and cursed as it scalded his tongue and the roof of his mouth. He picked up the paper and looking around, noticing nearly every eye on him; several conspicuously looked away as he met their gaze with a hard, threatening glare.

He had no idea what was on that page until he saw the title of the section 'Lifestyle'. Then he thought he might know, but decided it could not be. She would have told him first. Right? Turning to page 5, the picture jumped out at him. Even in the grainy, black and white picture of the newspaper her beauty was evident. He held the paper up, shielding his face from his colleagues. No doubt they were all looking at him, waiting for his reaction. He could not react. Not like he wanted to react. Not in front of everyone. But he felt himself losing the tiny bit of control he had managed to cling to as though it were a life preserver. He felt it slipping from his grasp. He was about to go under.

Standing, he grabbed his jacket, rolled the paper and held it in one hand and then the other as he walked out, putting his jacket on as he went. Once again, all eyes were upon him. This time he didn't care.

"Elliot! Where are you going?" Cragen called out, even though he knew exactly where his detective was headed.

He heard his captain, but he didn't care about that either. There was only one thing on his mind right now. The same thing that had been on his mind almost from the day he met her. Olivia.

**Benson Residence – Wednesday, May 6 – 8:45 a.m.**

Hitting the snooze too many times had caused her to be late for work. Since it was a rare occurrence, Cragen was understanding. She and Rey had been up late looking over different locations, making lists, and deciding on the type of music for the event. Time had gotten away and it was nearly 2:00 a.m. when he left.

She was almost finished eating her bagel when the knock on the door came. It did not even surprise her and she knew the knock as surely as she knew the timbre of his voice, the sound of his footsteps, and the rhythm of his breathing. It was her partner. And he had seen the paper.

Peeking through the security glass, she saw him impatiently tapping the rolled up section of newspaper in his hand. Yes…he had seen the paper. Even squinting through the tiny hole, she could tell simply by his mannerisms he was upset and she dreaded the impending confrontation. No doubt it would be a confrontation. Taking a deep breath in the hope of calming herself, she unlocked the door and opened it.

Blue eyes met the brown of hers. Blue eyes so familiar, usually comforting, yet today filled with desperation. Breaking the gaze, he stepped inside her apartment. Closing the door behind him, she leaned heavily against it, steeling herself for the tirade she knew was to come. She noted that he had on his navy blue suit with that shirt the same color blue as his eyes. He always looked gorgeous in that shade of blue and she reprimanded herself for even thinking about how good he looked today. Especially today.

Standing with his back to her, head down, broad shoulders slumped; he fingered the newspaper as he spoke quietly, "We're partners. Eleven years."

She couldn't think of anything to say in response to his statement of such an obvious fact, so she remained silent. And waited.

"We're best friends," he turned slowly to face her and she could not stand the hurt in his eyes and she looked down at the floor. At least the floor was not blue. It did not remind her of his eyes.

"We were more…I thought…so much more…why…why didn't you tell me?" he unrolled the newspaper. "How could you do this and not tell me?"

Holding up the wedding announcement, he continued, his voice cracking, "I deserved more than this, Olivia."

Knowing what it was, she could not bring herself to look up at it or at him, so she began to count the planks in the hardwood floor beneath her feet and wish that she could just fade away. Into oblivion. Away from those piercing blue eyes that held nothing but accusation. Judgment. Betrayal.

Searching for something, anything to say, she could find neither words nor her voice and in the silence his breathing was the only sound. Ragged, desperate, hopeless eruptions of air. And the sound tore at the thin veneer of indifference she attempted to veil herself with though it was nothing more than an impotent stab at protection.

Images from the last time he had stood here, almost in this very spot, assaulted her memory and she wanted to run. She did not want to do this with him. Not now. Not ever. His eyes burned into her, pleading for an answer. An answer she was sure she did not own.

Sighing heavily, she pushed off from the door and walked toward the bar that separated the kitchen from the living room. Placing her hands on the counter, she leaned across it willing the knot in her stomach to settle and not turn into full-blown nausea. Slowly she turned to face him.

"You knew it was getting serious," she said softly, glancing briefly at him before her eyes dropped once again to the floor.

The short laugh coupled with a hiss of air was sarcastic, "No, Liv. No, I…I didn't know. Not this. You never told me…you never once told me…it's only been a few months…how could you…after what you and me…" he shook his head, "how…how could you do this?"

"Do what, Elliot?" she was getting angry now. "Go on with my life? Try to find a little happiness? _You_ made the choice! What did you expect me to do, huh?"

She came to stand in front of him; her eyes were black with rage.

Chewing on the insides of his right cheek, he dragged his hands over his head, "I…I don't know. But not this. Not this, Olivia! Not this!"

The way he looked at her tore into her psyche, slicing her heart. His mouth opened and closed and then opened again. He shook his head slowly, "Not this…oh, God…I thought we were…we had something…something special…how could you…do this…" The words drifted into a pathetic whisper.

He was sick to his stomach. His heart was trying to claw its way out of his body, he felt weak all over, his face was covered in perspiration and his head pounded with each beat of his heart. He wanted to grab her and shake her and tell her she could not do this. She belonged to him and she held his heart. He was hers. They were the missing pieces in the others life. He couldn't live without her and he knew she could not live without him. But that was the problem. She was living without him. She had wasted no time in finding someone else. All those years they had been partnered and he was married but he loved her and he later realized she had loved him all those years that she never had a long term relationship with anyone, and now just a few months after they broke up, she was getting married. Married. Olivia was getting married. And it was killing him. He was dying inside. And it was all his fault. His choice.

She did not know what to say. She was not sure why he was here at all. If he was so upset about it, then why wasn't he saying something to make her want to call it all off? All he had to do was tell her to call it off and she would. She would. In an instant. Why? Because. Because she still loved him. Would always love him. Instead, he was putting it all on her, making it all her fault. Why was she to blame for wanting to share her life with someone? For wanting not to be alone anymore?

Okay…she would admit Rey was not who she really wanted, but she cared about him and they made a good couple. Besides, maybe love was overrated. Look what good it did her with Elliot. She and Rey shared a lot of the same interests and they could talk for hours on end. Best of all they never had vicious fights, they rarely disagreed about anything. There was little history, good or bad, between them. Their relationship was solid if predictable. Both of them were dark, dark brown eyes and hair, olive skin, hers presumably from her rapist father, his from his mother's Peruvian ancestry. People often commented on what an attractive couple they were and how beautiful their children would be if they decided to go that route.

Well, six weeks ago Rey Curtis had asked her to marry him. He told her he wanted children. Right away. And he _wanted_ to be married. All the things Elliot no longer wanted. Or so it seemed. So, she said yes.

Ten years ago Rey had taken early retirement to care for his wife who had multiple sclerosis. When she had died three years ago, he had returned to the homicide division as a detective in Manhattan's 27th Precinct. Olivia had met him briefly when one of SVU's cases overlapped with one of his. He did not catch her interest then because she and Elliot were together. He, however, was very interested in her and had come by the SVU one day to ask her to lunch. Right in front of Elliot. Of course, she declined, but later Elliot went off on her about it. He wanted to confront Rey and set him straight. It turned out to be one of their biggest fights ever. He was so jealous over her.

Four months later she and Elliot were broken up – for the third time in the year they had been dating. She had always had a problem making a commitment and thought she would be the one to be antsy about making their relationship permanent. But she wasn't. Not with Elliot. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with Elliot Stabler. Wanted to have his babies. He, however, though he swore his undying love for her, could not make the commitment to her she wanted so much. Needed. She wanted to marry him. She wanted children. And her biological clock was running out. So, she had given him an ultimatum, knowing very well that Elliot Stabler did _not_ do ultimatums.

**Benson Residence – Approximately Four Months Ago**

_That night was stamped into her memory as though it had just happened last night. She had made dinner for them, candlelight, music, the whole nine-yards. Afterwards, they sat on her sofa; sipping wine, listening to piano music on the new CD Elliot had brought, and talking quietly._

"_El…you know how much I love you?" she had asked him, playing with his fingers entwined with hers._

_Kissing the top of her head, he pulled her closer, "Yea, but not near as much as I love you."_

_She looked up at him and smiled, her hand cupping his face as she kissed him on the lips, "That right?" her eyes searched his for a long a moment. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to have your babies. I want to be yours totally. Marry me, Elliot. Marry me and make yours."_

Her stomach lurched as she felt him stiffen and pull away, but he told her, "You're _already_ mine, Liv. You've been mine for years. And you've held my heart a lot longer than that."

"Then let's make it legal. I want more than this. I want to be your wife, El," she felt her heart drop because they had been through this several times before and she knew what he was going to say.

"Look, Liv…we've been over this before. I'm not…I'm not ready to do that again, okay? I…just…I just want to be with you. Me and you. Together. A piece of paper means nothing. It's just a bunch of black words on white paper," his hands were framing her face and he bent down to kiss her.

Jerking his hands away and jumping up, she avoided his kiss, "Piece of paper means nothing? You - the devout Catholic who stuck by your marriage vows long after you and Kathy were over…you think it means nothing?"

He stood up now, too, his hands sliding down her arms to pull her back to him, "Come on, Olivia. You know what I mean. I was married for twenty-three years and look where it got me. I love you, you love me…we don't need a priest or a judge to tell us we're a couple. I just...what's wrong with how things are now? I like it just like it is."

She stepped back out of his reach, "Yea? You won't move in with me or let me move in with you, I want to wake up next to you every morning and yet, we rarely ever spend the night together…so, why is that?" she demanded. "Tell me again, Elliot, why?"

"Liv…you know why," his exasperated sigh was loud and heavy as he ran his hands over his face and head.

"Oh, I know _exactly_ why. Because you have _kids_. And you don't want them to think it is okay to sleep or live together without…without what? Come on, Elliot. Without what?" her voice was rising in accordance with her anger.

Staring at her, his hands on his hips, he shook his head. He said nothing as he worked over his bottom lip with his teeth.

"Oh…_now_ I remember. You don't want your _kids_ to think it is okay to live together without being _married_. That would mean _without_ that little piece of paper that states in black and white that two people have a _legally_ binding contract, it's not a valid relationship," she delivered each word with scathing sarcasm, flames of anger consuming her eyes.

"_Liv, please. Let's not do this," he walked toward her, his hands outstretched._

"_You're right. Let's not do this. I can't do this anymore, Elliot. I want an answer. Now. Tonight. Are you willing to make a commitment to me that includes marriage? Are you, Elliot?" her chest was rising rapidly and she was afraid she might faint from the pounding of her heart. _

_His arms had crossed his chest, his stance widened, his blue eyes darkened, the brows knit together in a deep frown, his lips a straight line, and she knew the answer before he uttered a word. _

"_Don't make this an either or situation, Olivia," he warned, his voice tight with barely controlled emotion.  
_

"_Too late. I want to know, Elliot. If you can't make that commitment, then I need to move on," she was surprised at how even the words now sounded. _

_But she was serious. As much as she loved him, she wanted more. Much more from him, with him. From life. And she was not willing to waste any more time. She had waited and wasted enough on him already._

_Unable to believe she was doing this, he tried again to reason with her, "Liv, baby, you don't want to do this. Please. Let's just calm down and…"_

_When he called her 'baby' it nearly killed her. She loved when he called her that. It sounded so possessive and she wanted to be possessed by him. But not now. Not unless he was willing to make it permanent._

"_Calm down? No. Elliot, I want to know your answer. Now," she insisted, each word enunciated sharply, clearly. _

_Their eyes battled with each other for several minutes, but he finally spoke again, "I'm not going to be manipulated into doing or saying what you want by your threats and demands that I make a choice. I'm not, Olivia." His eyes suddenly took on a cold, icy glare but she remained resolute._

_Nodding slowly, she turned and walked to the door. Her hand on the knob, she looked down at the floor, blinking back the tears that sprang to her eyes threatening to overflow. _

_She took a deep breath, "Then you've made your choice."_

_Opening the door, her hand still on the knob, she looked over at him. _

_For just the shortest second she thought he would change his mind, but then she saw his jaw tighten and watched him straighten as though steeling himself, and then he started toward her._

_When he reached the door, he stopped, his eyes softening as he stared at her, and whispered her name in his deep voice, "Olivia." _

_Lifting her chin, her eyes met his and she knew he knew she was not backing down. Not this time. Neither said a word. At last, he nodded once and then he walked out of her apartment and basically out of her life. _

_And she cried herself to sleep. _

_Too many nights to count._

_Until there were no more tears. _

_There was nothing. _

_She had become numb._

**Benson Residence – Wednesday, May 6 – 8:45 a.m.**

_She never knew whether or not Elliot actually talked to Cragen, but shortly after that she found herself paired more often with Fin or Munch than him. She did not ask about the arrangement and he never offered an explanation. And like so many times in the past, they simply did not speak unless absolutely necessary and there certainly was no sharing of personal aspects of their lives. They became awkward and uncomfortable with one another once again. But neither, it seemed, had the courage to completely sever the tie, the whatever it was that bound them together, no matter how precariously._

_All she knew was she could not - would not continue to live her life hoping and waiting for something that apparently had little, if any, chance of ever coming to pass. She had already spent nearly a quarter of her adult life wishing and hoping she could be with Elliot but when they had finally had their chance, he obviously did not feel like she did so she somehow found the strength to cut her losses and move on. _

_Four months and several men after they broke up, she saw Rey again at a weeklong ballistics class and they hit it off. This time when he asked her to lunch, she accepted. As they say, the rest is history. _

_The Saturday after next she would be Mrs. Reynaldo Curtis. Olivia Benson Curtis. Detective Curtis. And she should be ecstatic but…she was not. _

_She was in pain. And the object of her pain stood before her, right here in her apartment. _

_Again. _

_His blue eyes piercing hers. _

_Again. _

_~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~_


	2. Chapter 2

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**Please forgive any typos...I did proof it...but I'm tired and wanted to post it before I went to bed...so, just look over any errors and let me know what you think about this chapter. I know where I want to go with this, but not quite sure of the route just yet...so help me out! Review! Please. " ) Bensler**

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**Black & White by Bensler**

**Chapter 2**

**Benson Residence – Wednesday, May 6 – 8:57 a.m.**

That silence could be so loud was simply amazing. It was something she should be more than used to by now since it embodied their partnership, their relationship at so many intervals over the years. And especially the last three months. This awkwardness she felt in his presence prevented her from being able to look at him for very long. She would steal a glance at him and then quickly shift her eyes back to the floor.

Every time she did he was still staring at the newspaper that held the announcement, the words she had been unable to bring herself to say to him in person. He was right. He _did_ deserve more than this. She should have had the decency to face him. Instead, she had taken the coward's way out, and by doing so had only put off the inevitable. Well, the inevitable was standing here before her and even now she could not find the words she needed because she had no idea what to say. Had no idea what he really wanted from her.

At last he rolled the paper again, letting it fall to his side, in his left hand. Looking up at her, he noticed she was barely breathing and she could not, or would not hold his eyes but for a few seconds before they shifted anywhere but him. But in those few seconds he saw the uncertainty in her eyes. She seemed afraid of him and he hated that she did. Biting his lower lip again, he released it and took a deep breath.

"You…uh…you going through with it then?" his voice was shaky and it angered him that it was and she would know he was weak when it came to her. He laughed to himself. There should be no question about that.

What did he want her to say? Tentatively, her eyes met his but she still could not hold his gaze. Silently she pleaded for him to give her a reason to answer other than what she was about to say. But he gave her nothing. Thus, her answer to him was whispered, scarcely audible.

"Yes," she lifted her eyes from the floor to his. The pain she saw saturated the blue, dulling it to gray as a sharp, piercing pain slashed at her heart.

Nodding, he rolled his head on his shoulders and reached to loosen his tie, "This what you want? To marry him?"

What kind of question was that, he thought? The announcement is in the morning paper. The date is set. The location. Of course this is what she wants. No one ever made Olivia Benson do anything unless she wanted to do it.

Why would he ask her that, she wondered? If she didn't want to, she would not be doing it. Right? So, why couldn't she answer him? Her bottom lip was now caught between her teeth and she gave him a shrug.

The laughter he expelled was mocking, "That's not very convincing, Olivia."

Olivia. Not Liv. Olivia. He called her that when he was upset, frustrated or mad at her. And she hated how it sounded so gruff and menacing, like a growl, and usually thick with his Bronx accent which crept into his voice during emotionally charged times. And yet, sometimes he called her that when he kissed her, or ran his hands through her hair, or when he whispered in her ear 'Olivia…I love you.' Those were the times she loved the sound of her name on his lips. He had a way of saying it, making each syllable drip with familiarity, devotion, possessiveness, and such love in his deep, rumbling voice that it made her knees weak. Mentally slapping herself, she shook her head to dispel those thoughts.

"I think the announcement in the paper says it all," she snapped, suddenly angry at him.

She was angry that he felt he had the right to ask her these questions; angry at him for being here in her home; for walking out on her; for being the man she still loved. She wanted to pummel him with her fists and slap him and ask him why, why he thought he had the right to come here and do this to her. Question her decisions; her motives…make _her_ question her decisions, her motives. Things she thought she had settled in her mind, if not her heart. She wanted him to leave. But apparently he was not yet finished with her.

When she spoke those words, he could not hide the pain that passed over his face and she hated what she was doing to him. What they were doing, had done, to each other. Stepping closer to her, they now stood barely two feet apart and she literally felt him regroup for his next hit.

His eyes never left her face, but hers fell from his. The rolled newspaper lightly tapped the side of his left thigh, as he paused and drew in a long breath. When he spoke again, his voice was strong and deep, yet fragile with choked back emotion.

"You love him?"

Now her head snapped up and her eyes met his with a fiery indignance. How dare he!? How dare he ask her this?

"What do you want from me Elliot?" her tone clipped and brimming with anger.

"A simple answer to what I thought was a simple question. Do you love him?" he repeated, his voice harder, his face now like flint, determined not to let her see his emotions played out in his expressions.

"I'm marrying him. What do you think?" she crossed her arms and glared at him.

Searching her face, he looked at her for a long time, chewing on the inside of his cheek, "I think if you loved him, you wouldn't have any problem saying it."

Why did she ask him that? She set herself up for this last remark. She wanted him gone. Out of her apartment. She could not take any more of this interrogation.

"You know what…I was already late for work…I need to finish getting ready and I'm sure Cragen is not happy about both of us being out. So, if you don't mind…" she opened the door and gestured for him to leave.

Smiling sadly, he nodded and stepped out into the hallway. As she started to close the door, he put his hand out flattening the palm against it, "Liv?"

They stared at each other and she begged him with her eyes to tell her not to do it. To tell her he still loved her and wanted her back. But, he continued to stare, so she was the one to speak.

"What?"

Chewing on his lips, he frowned, shook his head slightly from side to side, "Nothing."

He walked away and she closed the door and thought about calling Cragen again to say she was sick. It wasn't a lie. She was sick. Heartsick.

**SVU Squad Room – Wednesday, May 6 – 10:11 a.m.**

The uneasiness between Olivia and Elliot affected everyone around them. Cragen noticed it the minute Olivia had walked in that morning. It was in the air. Elliot remained engrossed in the file he was reading, never lifting his eyes toward her, or making any movement whatsoever. Neither did he speak as she situated herself at her desk.

On the other hand nervousness had settled over Olivia, enveloping her. She was fidgety, restless. Cragen lost count of the number of times she got up to go to the ladies room, get a file, or refill her coffee mug. He wondered how much the extra caffeine played a part in her non-stop movements.

**Lenburg Alley Cafe – Wednesday, May 6 – 2:05 p.m.**

Deciding they needed a break from each other, Cragen gave the latest case to Munch and Olivia. They had spent the late morning and early afternoon canvassing the area of the crime to interview potential witnesses. Now they were having a late lunch.

Watching her rearrange her salad, Munch finished the last bit of his calzone and leaned back, wiping his mouth.

"I take it that the tête-à-tête did not go well?"

Olivia looked up at him seemingly perplexed to hear another's voice, so lost had she been in her own thoughts. She gave him a sad smile and shook her head.

Nodding, Munch leaned across the table and stopped her hand that was still intent on pushing the lettuce and carrots into separate piles. "Did you really expect him to be all right with finding out from an impersonal announcement in the morning paper?"

"Why should it have mattered how he found out? It's not like he cares what I do," she pulled her hand from his and pushed away the uneaten salad.

"Olivia, I am not even going to validate that with a rebuttal," Munch eyed her over his glasses that had slipped to the end of his nose.

"Well, that's how I feel," she began to shred the napkin in her hands.

Munch's smile was full of eleven years of understanding the mystery that characterized the entity known as Benson and Stabler.

And she rolled her eyes.

**Curtis Residence – Friday, May 8 – 9:59 p.m.**

"Liv?"

She is staring…in another world.

"Oliva?"

He touches her shoulder.

Startled, she looks over at him, "Hmmm?"

"Where are you tonight?" Rey brushes a stray strand of hair from her face.

Smiling, she shrugs, "What do you mean?"

Now he shrugs and turns toward her, taking both of her hands in his, "You've been really quiet tonight. Rough day at work?"

Thinking of her last few days at work, she grunted and pulled her hands away from his to run them through her hair. If he only knew what she had gone through since Wednesday morning. If he could see her at work, with Elliot, he would not be asking this question. He would, in fact, be asking more. Elliot had pretty much ignored her since that morning, and it bothered her. She was not sure why, but it did. A lot. However, that did not keep him from staring at her. Of course, he tried to do it when he thought she was not aware, but she was. When it came to Elliot, she was hyper aware of everything he did.

Knowing she could not tell Rey the truth about work, she shook her head, "Work is fine."

"Then it must pre-wedding jitters," he winked at her and smiled that beautiful, brilliant smile he had.

Looking at him, she was struck by how handsome he was. The dark brown almost black, wavy hair, hitting his collar was thick and full. In direct contrast to Elliot's lighter brown and closely shorn hair, receding and thining on top. Though he was taller and much thinner than Elliot, he was still muscled with a nice physique. His dark eyes, much like hers, alternated between warm brown and coal black, depending on his moods. Black, totally unlike the clear blue of Elliot's.

And if she thought Elliot was straight-laced and too conservative, at least he was willing to bend rules if necessary to nail a perp or help a victim. Rey was by the book on everything. Especially his job and he viewed it in strictly black and white terms: if someone breaks a law, they deserve to go to jail, regardless of any extenuating circumstances. In SVU those circumstances piled up and made what should have been black and white, gray. There were no easy answers to most of their cases.

This was one of the areas that she and Rey _did_ clash and argue. He did not understand her empathy and compassion for not only the victims but sometimes victims that had become perps. But it was never heated like the arguments in which she and Elliot engaged. Sometimes she missed that kind of interaction and sometimes she pushed Rey to see if she could get him that fired up. In that respect he was again, nothing like Elliot. Most of the time he was even-tempered, solid, reliable. Boring.

Where did that come from, she wondered? And why was she still comparing him to Elliot. She thought she was _way_ past that…she _had_ been was past it. But then he had to go and show himself Wednesday morning, smashing into the new world she had neatly ordered and arranged. The new world she had created minus Elliot Stabler. He had come crashing through it, disrupting everything. She remembered the bumper sticker she had seen a couple of weeks ago and now decided that it described what Elliot had done Wednesday to a tee. 'Chaos – Disorder – Panic. My Work Here is Done.'

Smiling again at Rey, she said, "Yea, that must it. Pre-wedding jitters."

**SVU Squad Room – Monday, May 11 – 5:11 p.m.**

Nineteen more minutes before she could call it a day and get out of there. Her skin was crawling with the need to get away from her partner. At any moment she feared she would fall over the edge and into insanity. This impasse between her and Elliot was driving her nuts. For all his hard work ignoring her last week, today he seemed determined to find fault with everything she did. Or didn't do. And even more determined to let her and the whole squad know about it.

In her mind, she retraced the day. It started early this morning. He couldn't find the Sorrell report, but she was certain she had re-filed it and politely told him so. After fifteen minutes of listening to him mutter and swear while he noisily opened and closed drawers, she had gotten up to see if she could find it. The second she entered the file room, he slammed the drawer with all his might and turned to leave. She steeled herself, biting her tongue to keep from letting loose with her own tirade.

"You're wasting your time, Benson. It is _not_ in here," he grumbled, bumping into her as he brushed past without a word of apology.

"_Excuse_ you!" she snapped and jerked the file drawer open. "Just because you can't find a file, doesn't give you the right to be rude!"

"I can't find the file because _you_ didn't put it back!" he growled as he turned and came back into the room. "That's pretty rude if you ask me!"

"I don't remember anyone asking _you_ anything!" she huffed as her fingers flew through the folders.

"You got that right. No one ever asks _me_ anything! Or lets me know _anything_ going on around here!" he sneered and stomped back to his desk. No one asked him how he felt about her dating Rey Curtis, and no one sure as heck asked him about her marrying the jerk.

Closing her eyes, she took several deep breaths through her nose in an attempt to calm down, no matter how pointless. After regaining some composure, she continued to look for the file. It was not there. She could have sworn she put it back. Suddenly she remembered she had a stack of files to return and was about to do just, but Cragen had called her into his office. He had a question about one of the reports she and Elliot had signed off on last week. She sighed and mentally kicked herself because she was now certain the Sorrell file _was_ on her desk. Won't he love this, she thought. He will never let this go.

She went back to her desk and shuffled through one of the stacks that covered it. Finding the folder in question, she handed it to him across the expanse of their desks.

"Sorry…I meant to file it Friday, but…" she held it out to him, regretting the trouble she had caused and hoping he would be gracious.

No such luck.

"Yea, right," he groused, snatching it from her. "Probably did it on purpose."

"Elliot! You know that is _not_ what happened!" she exclaimed, angry that he said that as well as how he had roughly pulled the file from her hand.

"Whatever. At least now I can get some work done," he mumbled, the folder ripping as he jerked it open.

Without thinking her hand flew up to massage her forehead in the vain hopes of quelling the major headache that was erupting. It was barely nine o'clock, too early for this kind of headache. She flopped heavily into her chair, opened the top left desk drawer and reached for the Tylenol. Pouring four into her palm, she replaced the bottle and slammed the drawer shut. Elliot did not look her way, but she saw his jaw tighten and knew he was about to say something else. She beat him to the punch.

"Shut up, Elliot!" she hissed and headed to the ladies room.

Aware of Munch and Fin's eyes on her, she glared at each, daring either of them to say a word. They looked away. As she headed for the hallway, she saw Cragen standing there staring at her and wondered how much he had heard. Judging from the scowl on his face, she bet most of it. Thankfully, he did not say anything to her as she walked by him.

For an hour and fifteen minutes she had managed to not do anything to irritate him. Then as she was trying to formulate the words to write in one of the reports, she had fallen into one of her many nervous habits.

Click-click. Click-click-click. Click-click. Click-click-click-click. Click-click.

She was deep in thought when the sound of Elliot's hands slapping the top of his desk scared the crap out of her. Jumping, the pen flew out of her hand, her knee hit the underside of her desk causing a nearly full cup of tea to fall over and spread onto all her papers.

"Why do you have to do that?" he bellowed as he leaned across glaring at her. "You are driving me crazy!" he raked his hands over his head several times.

"What! Look what you made me do, you moron!" wide-eyed, she hollered right back as she stood, picking up folders and papers trying to get them out of the way of the seeping liquid.

"Well, if you didn't have all these annoying and bothersome idiosyncrasies, it wouldn't have happened!" he snapped back, his eyes hard and gray as steel.

Munch hurried to help rescue things from her desk while Fin grabbed a roll of paper towels from the coffee table, yanked some off and started cleaning. Olivia glared at Elliot and he glared at her, then stood up, slammed his chair under the desk and went to the men's room.

"What's his problem?" Fin mumbled.

"Apparently, me," Olivia said quietly, now on the verge of tears.

Fin and Munch exchanged guarded looks as Olivia patted dry some of the folders. She threw the wet paper towels into the trash and then put her hand to her mouth. She looked at her two colleagues cleaning up the mess that was her desk and nearly lost it. She bit her lip to hold back the tears.

"Do you…do you guys mind?" she asked as she waved her hands over her desk. "I gotta get out of here for a while."

"Nah, we gotcha covered," Fin told her.

"Tell Cragen?" she added picking up her cell phone.

"Sure. Take as long as you need," Munch patted her on the shoulder.

Elliot stared at the man looking back at him in the mirror. He almost did not recognize himself. He had been an ogre to Olivia today. What was wrong with him? He splashed more cold water on his face and raised his eyes once again to his reflection. He knew exactly what was wrong with him. He just had no idea how to fix it. Splashing water on his face one more time, he hung over the sink, wishing he could take it all back. Wishing he could just tell her what he felt.

The door opened and he saw Fin out of the corner of his eye. He ripped some paper towels from the wall and dried his face and hands. Fin just stood there. He glanced at him and headed for the door. Fin did not move to let him pass. Elliot stopped in front of him.

"Excuse me," he tried to push past but Fin did not budge.

"They's no excuse for you, Stabler," he came back, poking a finger in Elliot's chest.

"This is none of your business," he glared at him.

"The way you treatin' 'Livia makes it my business, man," he informed him.

"Stick your nose where it doesn't belong and it's liable to get rearranged," Elliot threatened, pushing past Fin knocking him off balance.

Fin grabbed him and shoved him into the wall just as Cragen entered.

"Detectives? Is there a problem?" the look on his face was just short of fury.

Fin let Elliot go and Elliot lowered his raised fist.

"No, Sir," Elliot told him, rubbing his face with his hand.

"That's a matter of opinion," Fin retorted still glaring at Elliot as he left the room.

Elliot started to follow him, but Cragen stopped him. "You let her go. Either tell her you were wrong…or leave her alone and let her live her life."

Elliot was staring at the floor, but now glanced at his captain, then opened the door and left.

After walking what seemed like forty blocks, Olivia stopped at a coffee shop and got some kind of fruit smoothie. Just a few sips and she was nauseous, so she dumped it into the trash and headed back to the precinct. What was she going to do? About Elliot. About Rey. About her life. Why did he have to act like this?

She was almost back to the one-six when she remembered she and Elliot were due in court. Turning she headed across to the courthouse and quickly found him pacing outside the closed doors. When he saw her, he stopped, looked away then sat down on an empty bench just outside the courtroom. Not wanting to be near him, she opted to lean against the wall about ten feet from him.

Minutes later a bailiff stepped out of the courtroom and called their names. He held the door for them and Elliot went in ahead of her, not bothering to be a gentleman. The bailiff ushered them to two seats available on the back row. Olivia did not want to sit by him but had no choice.

Tension had set in almost from the second she saw him pacing, and now it was overwhelming. She rolled her head from side to side, shifted in her seat, crossed and uncrossed her arms, fidgeted with her hands and watch, unaware of her bouncing knee.

Once again Elliot's hands, or rather, hand startled her. He grabbed her left knee to stop this bouncing and leaned over to snarl in her ear, "Why can't you be still?"

"Don't you touch me," she hissed back, pushing his hand away.

"Then be still!" he put his hand firmly on her knee again.

She grabbed his hand throwing it off then stood up and stumbled over the four people sitting on the bench to make her way out of the courtroom. Elliot was right behind her, barreling out of the door.

"What are you doing? We're about to be called to the stand!" he grabbed her arm stopping her.

She whirled around, failing at her attempt to break his hold on her, "Get your hands off of me!"

"Olivia, this is not the time nor the place…" he warned, pulling her close to somewhat whisper in her ear.

"Let go of me! Now!" she was not whispering but neither was she hollering, but she was keenly aware that were beginning to attract attention. If this gets back to Cragen…

"Olivia," he warned again.

Jerking out of his grip, she pulled away, "Leave me alone!" As she turned, she came face to face with Rey.

"Rey," her voice was weak and raspy, her eyes wide. She felt guilty. Of what, she had no idea, but it didn't lessen the feeling.

The expression on his face was a mixture of concern, bewilderment and surprise. "Liv? Everything okay?" he asked as he looked back and forth from her to Elliot.

Elliot stood silently, frowning, and wishing this day were over. He was a royal pain. And now he had to see Olivia with her precious Rey. This was the worst day of his life. Well, the worst day until this coming Saturday, anyway.

"Uh…yea. We…uh…have to testify in a bit. What are you doing here?" she asked as she put her hands at his waist.

Rey looked at her and then at Elliot again, "I had to bring a report over to our ADA."

"Oh," she was so uncomfortable. Why, she wondered. Her headache was back with a vengeance.

"The court calls Detectives Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler," the same bailiff called from the now open door.

"Gotta go," she smiled.

He leaned down and kissed her, "Okay. See you tonight."

She nodded and went into the courtroom, refusing to look at Elliot.

Elliot and Rey stared at one another for a long minute before Elliot finally followed her into the courtroom.

Rey did not know what had just happened or what was going on, but he had a bad feeling about it nonetheless. Well, he and Olivia would straighten it out tonight. He watched Elliot as he entered the courtroom and was still watching when he turned back and looked at Rey one more time before the door closed behind him.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	3. Chapter 3

************  
How about the finale?? I had a blast on Twitter w/other SVU fanatics and even had a reply from NEAL BAER to one of my posts!! Please let me know what you think about this chapter! I am almost finished with this previously supposed to be 'oneshot'! " ) **** Bensler**

**************

**Black & White**

**Chapter 3 **

**Benson Residence – Monday, May 11 – 8:15 p.m.**

Olivia and Rey had finished a dinner of chicken fajitas and guacamole salad and were watching a made for television movie about a woman who had made the big time as a fashion designer in Los Angeles and was set to marry her wealthy boyfriend, when her ex-husband shows up and complicates things.

This did not set well with Olivia because it reminded her of the situation with Elliot and the fact that she was marrying in Rey on Saturday. So, she reached for the remote in Rey's hand, planning to change the channel. He held it up and away from her.

"Rey!" she poked him in the side, tickling him.

"What? I like the movie," he gave her a smirk.

"No, you don't. It's a chick flick and you hate chick flicks. Give me the remote," she held out her hand and raised her eyebrows at him. "Please."

"Why do you want to change the channel?" he asked, still holding the remote.

"I just do."

"Don't you like the movie?"

"It's okay."

"Okay?" he repeated. "Hmmm…"

Eyeing him warily, a little fearful of what that 'hmmm' implied, she held her breath and asked, "What does that 'hmmm' mean?"

"Nothing."

"Oh…it means something. What?"

He shook his head, "I don't know, Olivia."

She just looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

Taking her hand in his, he traced her fingers, "At the courthouse today…"

He paused and she steeled herself for the coming conversation. She knew he would not leave it alone…knew that he had many questions about the exchange he witnessed between her and Elliot.

"What was that all about?" he asked her, as he looked up from their hands.

"What was what all about?" she rolled her eyes at her stall tactic.

"Olivia. You know what I'm talking about. That scene with you and Stabler," he now had a touch of irritation in his voice.

Shrugging, she raised her eyebrows, smiled slightly and shook her head.

"Olivia," now the irritation was slipping into anger.

Releasing a sharp breath of air, she replied, "Nothing."

"To quote you – 'It means something'," he started at her waiting for an answer.

"He was upset with me because I couldn't sit still in the courtroom," she explained.

Puzzlement filled Rey's face, "There had to be more to it than that. He seemed pretty angry."

"He was."

"I mean angry about something other than your nervous habits."

She shot him a menacing look, "Oh, so you agree with him?"

"Well, you do have some little habits when you are nervous and all. But I love all of them," he grinned.

Rolling her eyes, she pulled away from him and leaned her head on the back of the couch. "Apparently, everything I did or didn't do today irritated him to no end. The courtroom was the breaking point, I suppose."

Squinting his eyes at her, he looked at her for a long time before he spoke again. "I don't know, Liv. I think there is more to it."

"What do you mean?" her heart began to race at the implication.

"I think there are still some unresolved issues between the two of you, yeah?"

"Rey…don't start," she warned.

"Don't start? Olivia, in less than five days you and I are getting married. I don't want there to be any problems."

"Problems? What are you talking about, Rey?"

"Stabler needs to know where he stands with you. He needs to know that you love me. Have you told him?"

"He knows exactly where he stands," she held her breath, hoping Rey would accept this answer.

"So…you told him you love me, yeah?"

"I'm marrying you, yeah?" she used 'yeah' the term with which he sometimes ended questions. She leaned over, her left hand on his face as she pulled him down for a kiss.

She hated lying and was determined not to lie to him about what she had told Elliot. Or not told him. Technically, at least. How was she supposed to tell the man she was going to marry that she could not make herself tell her former boyfriend – and so much more – that she loved Rey?

"Right," he smiled and pulled her close. "Saturday there will be no question. You will be mine."

Breathing a sigh of relief, she now had many more questions about what she was doing by marrying him. She was beginning to feel suffocated. By him, by Elliot, by her guilt. Why did she feel guilty? She had done nothing to warrant it. 'You will be mine'. What was she doing? She didn't want to belong to anyone except Elliot. She closed her eyes wishing she could just fade away.

**Stabler Residence – Monday, May 11 – 11:33 p.m.**

Unfurling the now dog-eared newspaper, Elliot held it between both hands and read it again though there was no need to do so. He had memorized the words after reading them what was probably a hundred times or better. 'Benson-Curtis Nuptials Planned' the bold black letters of the headline screamed at him from the flimsy white paper etched with black newsprint, smudged here and there from his repeated scouring of the news that caused his world to tilt off center.

Every time he looked at the picture, read the words, it was like it was the first time. Each and every word was like a well placed punch to his gut, a blow to his head, a knife twisting in his heart. Every time he saw her face, he wanted to punch Rey Curtis. Every time he thought about Olivia marrying someone else, he felt physically ill. That had to mean something. Of course, he knew exactly what it meant. He was still in love with her.

'Olivia Benson and Reynaldo Curtis announce their forthcoming marriage to take place on Saturday, May 16, at 2:00 p.m. at Cherry Hill in Central Park, located mid-park at 72nd Street. The bride elect is a graduate of Sienna College and the NYPD Police Academy. She is a detective with the Manhattan 16th Precinct. The groom elect is a graduate of New York University and the NYPD Police Academy. He is a detective with the Manhattan 27th Precinct. The couple plans a honeymoon to Hilton Head, SC, and then will reside in Manhattan.'

Honeymoon. Shaking his head almost violently, he tried not to think about what that would entail. He wanted to talk to her; to try and explain how he felt. He had already tried and failed dismally. She was leaving him behind. She was actually going to marry another man. All because he had let her go. Cragen reminded him of that earlier today. The words now echoed in his mind – 'Either tell her you were wrong…or leave her alone and let her live her life.'

Cragen was right and Elliot knew it. But could he do that? Leave her alone? Let her live her life? A life without him? There were two ways of looking at it, he supposed. First, she seemed happy enough with Rey. So, if he loved her, really loved her, he should just back off, wish her well, and get on with his own life. A life without Olivia. It was an unbearable thought.

Second, he was miserable. He loved her and still wanted her. He just did not realize how much until he saw that wedding announcement. If he were honest, he really did not expect her relationship with Rey to work out. Certainly he never saw it ending in a wedding. Since she had never had a long term relationship with anyone beside him, he looked for this one to fall by the wayside, too. Realizing this was not an issue for straddling the fence, he struggled with it the rest of the night, sleeping very little.

Lying there in his bed in the dark with the blue glow of the digital numbers on the alarm clock, he thought about Olivia and what they used to have. What he may still be able to have, if he only had the courage to tell her how he felt. Until she had a ring on her finger, it wasn't too late. He wanted to talk to her. Needed to talk to her. Reaching for his cell phone he dialed her number before letting the time on the clock register.

"Benson," her voice husky with sleep, she answered groggily.

Paralyzed by the mere sound of her voice, he could think of nothing to say.

"Elliot?" Still no answer. "We got a case?"

Only his uneven breathing filled the space around them.

"Come on, Stabler, I know it's you. What's going on?"

"How do you know it's me?"

"Cause I can hear you breathing."

"What?"

"After all these years, I know what your breathing sounds like. I know everything about you. And besides, I have caller I.D."

Her faint laugh caused Elliot to smile.

"Everything?"

"Well, most everything?" She did not know what he was thinking or feeling right now, that was for sure. "Did we catch a case?"

"Uh…no. I just…I just wanted to see how you are doing?"

Taking a minute to process the question, she told him, "I'm tired. You call me at 1:43 in the morning to ask me how I'm doing? Why'd you really call, Elliot?"

One forty-three? He now read the numbers on his clock and groaned inwardly. He should not have called her this late and probably not at all.

"I'm sorry…I didn't realize it was so late…I'll let you go. I'm sorry," he apologized.

"No. I want to know why you called."

"I told you…to see how you are…"

"I'm fine, Elliot. Now tell me what you _really_ want?"

"Nothing…I…I'll see you in the morning," he was already flipping the phone closed when he heard her call his name.

"Elliot."

She did not call back like he thought she would. Hoped she would. He closed his eyes but sleep still did not find him.

**Benson Residence – Tuesday, May 12 – 1:55 a.m.**

Did he do this intentionally, she wondered? Or was it purely by chance that a call, a look, an off the wall comment, an outburst of loosely hidden jealousy, always came at the most inopportune time. For her, anyway. Over the years, Elliot seemed to have developed a knack for ruining her relationships with other men, unless, of course, she happened to beat him to it. And even on those occasions, most of the time it was still because of him. Because of the fact that she always compared men to him and no one could ever measure up in her eyes.

She thought about Andy Eckerson, a onetime boyfriend who she nearly married years before coming to the SVU. A deputy U.S. Marshal, he had worked a case with them a few years back and Elliot was not happy about it. Especially, when he almost got Olivia killed. There were others through the years, Cassidy, Ganzer, York, too many to remember all their names; then there was Dean Porter. Elliot had clearly had an intense dislike for him and she wasn't sure if it was because she met Porter while she was in Oregon undercover for the FBI and he was her case handler, and he reminded Elliot of her leaving him, or if it was purely because Porter was interested in her and it showed.

And she could not forget Kurt Moss. That was a mess all around. Even though they had been going out for months, she had never told Elliot she was dating him. After he found out from IAB he ended up in Kurt's office, on her behalf, trying to get him to talk to IAB. When she walked in and saw the two of them together, she knew they were talking about her, as well as sizing each other up, wondering who would be the victor. No contest. Elliot won hands down. He always managed to come between her and any man she dated. Kurt seemed to sense there was something going on between her and Elliot, seemed to realize the reason she would not move in with him was because of her partner. She broke up with Kurt shortly thereafter.

Finally, she turned over and tried to sleep. She must have gotten a little because it seemed like a short time later her alarm was signaling the start of another day. The whole morning routine was tinged with thoughts and worries about how Elliot would act today. How he would treat her. She was not sure she would survive another day like yesterday, nor him totally ignoring her. She was taking Friday off, but maybe she should just take the rest of the week off after today. Maybe she would ask Cragen.

There really was not that much to get ready because the wedding was outside, simple, less than twenty-five guests, with only light refreshments and h'orderves being served. A friend of Casey's was doing the catering and Rey had a friend that played the violin and he and another friend who played piano were providing the music. Though Rey was Catholic, he had been married before and was not interested in neither a big church wedding nor particular about a priest performing the ceremony. So, they had asked Judge Donnelly to do the honors. It seemed most everything was already taken care of and in place as far as the wedding. But if Elliot kept up his attitude toward her, she would take the rest of the week and solve that problem. Stress was at a high and she did not need him adding to it.

**SVU Squad Room – Tuesday, May 12 – 11:27 a.m.**

"Benson!" Cragen called out. "Where are you going?"

Elliot looked up from his desk, his gaze alternating between Olivia and Cragen.

"Catching an early lunch?" seeing the look on his face, she made the answer a question.

"Afraid not," he sat on the edge of Elliot's desk and motioned her back. "Got a lead on that suspect in the O'Leary abduction. Need the two of you on a stake-out in front of Consolidated Cabinets on Vista Street."

Elliot sighed and began to log off of his computer, "He working there or what?"

"That's the word," Cragen looked over at Olivia as he headed back to his office. "Guess you can cancel your lunch date."

"Guess so," she flipped open her cell and made a quick call.

Rey was not happy about it and she took several steps away from the prying eyes and ears of her partner so she could talk somewhat privately.

"When are we going to pick out the rings, if not today?" he asked, highly annoyed.

That was the only thing they had not done. She wasn't much on jewelry, didn't want an engagement ring, so finding wedding bands had simply not been high on her list of things to do.

"Tomorrow? I don't know. Rey, you know how it is and I'm not going to apologize for doing my job," the sigh was heavy with her exasperation as she tried to whisper the words.

"You're right. I'm the one who's sorry. I mean, I shouldn't have…" his voice was now calm.

"It's okay…no need to be so penitent," she told him.

"Okay…see you tonight, yeah?"

"Yes."

"Love you," he told her.

Glancing at Elliot who was pacing impatiently and watching her, she replied, "You, too."

She walked toward him and then passed him going into the hallway. He fell into step behind her and came up just behind her as she waited for the elevator. Leaning slightly closer, he spoke directly into her ear.

"Couldn't tell him either?"

"Mind your own business," she barked as the elevator door opened.

This stake-out was not beginning very well and she could feel the start of what promised to be a major headache. She glared at Elliot as he stepped into the elevator, a slight smirk on his lips. He purposely took his place just behind her so he could watch her without her knowing it.

"Stop staring at me, Stabler!" she snapped without looking back at him.

Raising an eyebrow, he leaned closer, "You're pretty sure of yourself, Benson."

"No, I am absolutely certain about you," the door opened and she headed out of the precinct.

**Stake-Out Vista Avenue – Tuesday, May 12 – Approximately 12:00 p.m. – 6:15: p.m.**

Four hours later there had been no sign of their suspect. Elliot was hungry and frustrated. The air conditioner in the sedan did little good and he was losing patience just sitting here. On top of that, Olivia was also at the height of frustration and had succumbed to her nervous habits. He had lost count of the number of times she ran her hands through her hair and sighed. And the alternating bouncing knees were about to drive Elliot nuts, but after the altercation at the courthouse he was trying to overlook it.

He loosened his tie more and unbuttoned another button. He had lost his jacket twenty minutes into the stakeout and it was draped over the seat between him and Olivia. Four hours and they had barely said ten words to each other and both avoided looking at the other, that is, unless the other did not _know_ they were looking.

"I'm starving. You hungry?" he ventured as he looked out his window.

"I could go for some hotdogs at that street vendor," she nodded toward the corner a block and half away.

"Should be all right. Haven't seen Pratt and it's been over four hours," he finally looked at her and was surprised when she looked at him.

She nodded and opened the door, "Be right back. Call me if you see anything."

He watched her retreating figure until she blended with the crowd. He loved watching her. The way her hair blew in the wind. The way her hips swayed when she walked. The way her mouth moved when she talked, ate, smiled, laughed, and even when she was hollering at him. He also loved to look at her as she slept. She would kill him if she ever knew he had done that. The thing was, he simply loved _her_. Images of what she would look like in a wedding gown kept popping into his head and he mentally counted the days, the hours before she would belong to another man. His heart dropped to his feet as a queasy feeling flooded his stomach. Maybe it was just starvation setting in, he thought to himself.

He looked back at Consolidated Cabinets. Where was the jerk? Hopefully, he would stay put until they at least ate a little bit. Twelve minutes later Olivia was handing him three chili-cheese dogs with mustard and ketchup. She placed a large order of curly fries on the seat between them and handed him a large Dr. Pepper. Opening her bottle of water, she pulled her slaw dog out of the sleeve and began to eat.

A short time later they had finished eating. Elliot had nearly inhaled the three chili dogs, ate most of the fries, and now slurped the remaining bit of soda. They still had not really talked but the silence finally seemed comfortable.

"Guess Pratt didn't get a lunch either," Elliot mumbled.

"Maybe he ate inside in a break room," Olivia suggested.

Elliot grunted. Silence fell between them once again and over two more hours passed. Olivia turned her watch to see the time. Six-eleven. No way was she going to make dinner with Rey. Should she call him now or wait a bit longer. The decision was made for her when Elliot noticed a familiar person exiting a side door of Consolidated Cabinets that opened into the alleyway and suddenly took action.

"Liv!"

He jumped out of the car and was half-way across the street before Olivia could process what he had seen.

Approaching the man, Elliot called out, "Robert Pratt?"

The man's head jerked toward Elliot and then he took off running down the alley, Elliot took off after him and Olivia saw him and ran to catch up with them. Pratt turned right at the end of the building, Elliot maybe thirty seconds behind him. Neither were in her sight now and she mentally cursed Elliot for taking off like he did without giving them both a chance to be ready for whatever Pratt may pull.

She was three quarters of the alley away when he turned at the end of the building. Realizing they might need help, she took the time to call for backup as she ran. The adrenaline pumping through her allowed her to run faster than she thought possible. As she made the turn, she came upon a sight she was unprepared to see – Robert Pratt stood over Elliot with a piece of wood, red with her partners blood. Elliot was sprawled face down his head turned to his right, blood pooling beneath his mouth and from a gash on his upper right forehead.

Glock drawn, Olivia pointed it straight at Pratt, "Throw it down. Now!" she screamed when he hesistated.

Pratt tossed the wood and held his hands up.

"On your knees. Now lay face down. Spread your legs and put your hands behind your back," she was breathing hard and trying with all her might to focus on Pratt instead of Elliot.

She heard the nearing sirens and silently urged them to hurry. She needed to check on Elliot. She couldn't tell if he were even breathing and this cause her own breathing to become difficult. Cautiously nearing Pratt, she kept her gun trained on him as she pulled her cuffs from the back of her belt. Just as she finished cuffing him a squad car screeched to a halt and two unis took over for her.

"Call for a bus!" she hollered to them as she ran to Elliot's side.

"Already on the way, Ma'am," the shorter of the two officers informed her.

Kneeling beside Elliot, she was afraid to move him. Gently stroking his head, she leaned over and called his name.

"Elliot? Can you hear me? El? Talk to me, baby. Elliot?" she felt her eyes burn with hot with tears that she rapidly blinked away. "Please be, okay, please. El? El?"

No response.

Eyes glued to Elliot's unconscious form, she felt the first tear trail down her cheek and watched as it fell and darkened the place where it marked his shirt.

Where was that bus?

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	4. Chapter 4

******Chapter 4...and yes, there is still more! " ) Bensler**

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**Chapter 4**

**Lenox Hill Hospital – Tuesday, May 12 – 8:08 p.m.**

Sounds of the ER congested the small area and made Olivia uneasy – the crying of the feverish baby; the moaning of a young, black man holding a bloody rag to the back of his head; the constant static of the paging system. If she could just see Elliot, just know he was going to be alright, she could calm down.

Oliva, Munch, Fin, and Cragen were scattered around the waiting room. Munch was talking to the woman at the information center trying to find out Elliot's status; Fin was in a far corner talking heatedly on the phone to someone in central booking; and from across the way, Cragen had his eye on Olivia. She had finally stopped pacing and was now leaning against the edge of a window, staring out onto a multi-level parking garage. He sensed she was close to breaking, but he wasn't sure what to do to help her.

Finally, he turned down the hall to the left of the ER, returning about five minutes later with a steaming cup of tea. She was now sitting in a chair in the far corner, her arms wrapped tightly around her waist, a blank look on her face, staring at nothing. She looks so lost, he thought. And all because of Elliot Stabler. What is she thinking - marrying Rey Curtis? The thought startled him and he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before speaking.

"Olivia," he said her name softly.

There was absolutely no reaction.

"Olivia," he said again a bit louder, leaning down toward her.

This time her eyes drifted slowly toward his voice.

"I brought you some tea," he smiled slightly.

Shifting in the seat, she reached out and took the proffered Styrofoam cup, "Thank you."

"Is there anything can I do?" he asked as he handed her packages of sugar and creamer.

"Find out about Elliot," her eyes seemed almost haunted by the not knowing. By the need to know. "Please."

Cragen sat down beside her, a loud sigh escaping as he patted her knee, "Believe me, I've tried. Even tried using my badge and authority to intimidate them into telling me something…anything. They were unmoved. Said as soon as they stabilize him and the doctor assesses him, someone would come and talk to us."

"Captain, it's been two hours! Two hours and I don't know how he is," her voice was high and tight and he knew she was fighting tears.

"I know. I know," he now squeezed her shoulder.

"If something happens to him…" she trailed off, shaking her head and putting her free hand to her forehead.

Cragen thought back to when he got the call that one of his detectives had been injured in the line of duty. He had no idea which one as he raced to the hospital. Fin and Munch were out on a late afternoon call and Benson and Stabler were on stake-out, so it could have been any of them. The unis did not know the names of the detectives and dispatch asked few questions. He was enroute when he heard from Olivia. Though she was adamant about riding in the ambulance with Elliot, as soon as the EMTs hit the ER, she was separated from him and she had called to let Cragen know what had happened. He could still hear her distraught voice, the shakiness of her words, the deep uneven breaths.

"He'll be fine," he told her though he knew he could not make a promise to that effect.

"You didn't see him. He was beat up so badly…there was blood all over the ground…" her voice trailed off as she spoke seemingly becoming aware of something.

Cragen realized she must have just noticed the blood staining her hands and fingers. Elliot's blood. Around her cuticles and under her nails. She looked at her hands and then slowly ran her right hand over a dried patch of blood on her dark jeans that made them darker and stiffer in that area. She remembered holding him, cradling his head in her lap. Begging him not to leave her. Then she pulled back and looked down her shirt as she pulled it away from her body. It too held streaks of his blood. A light sheen of perspiration covered her face her as it visibly paled.

He didn't know what else to say or do, so he repeated the words, "He'll be fine. I know it."

Olivia simply looked at him, wanting desperately to believe her captain, knowing he was trying to encourage her, realizing it could all be in vain.

Munch wandered over to them, "Well, I found out that Elliot has had x-rays and should be finished soon with the MRI. Hopefully, we will know something shortly."

"How'd you find that out?" Cragen asked.

"Struck up a conversation with the triage nurse about the government conspiracy to take over health care," he grinned. "Like mindedness can go a long way."

Olivia smiled at Munch's explanation but did not say anything. It still did not tell her how he was doing or the extent of his injuries.

Munch leaned against the wall near her chair. He watched her for a moment. "Elliot's probably back there flirting with all the nurses."

"Well, that makes me feel a _lot_ better," Olivia raised an eyebrow.

Fin had joined them and he frowned at her, "Why should you care if he's flirtin'? You gettin' married in three days."

Glancing at Fin, she shrugged and then looked away. Munch shot Fin a look as did Cragen. She ignored them all and made her way to the window again. What was taking so long? Something must be bad wrong for it to take so long to look him over and let them know how he was. Flipping her wrist, she fingered her watch. Eight thirty-eight. Two and half hours. That was long enough. She spun around and practically ran across the room to the information desk.

"I want to know how Detective Stabler is doing?" she told the woman at the desk.

"I'm, sorry, Ma'am, but you will have to wait for a doctor or nurse to come out and…"

Olivia glared at her. "I've been waiting for two and half hours! He's my partner and I want to know how he is!" she seethed as she turned and pushed through the double doors marked 'Authorized Personnel Only'.

The woman jumped up from the desk and ran around to try to stop her. But Olivia was gone. Cragen, Munch and Fin were at the doorway in no time.

"Ma'am! Please! You aren't supposed to be…" a page over the intercom had the woman trying to decide what to do. She finally decided Olivia was a lost cause and looked at the three men as she went to answer the page. "Can't you do something about her?"

They all stood there mutely staring at her and then each other. What a laugh. Stop Olivia Benson when she was trying to see about her injured partner? Oh, yea. Sure. Uh-huh. Consider it done. No problem. Right.

As she strode down the hallway, glancing into each room, several nurses asked her what she was doing and she told them she was looking for Elliot Stabler. A male technician tried to stop her, taking her by the arm, but she flashed her badge.

"Get your hands off me before I arrest you for assaulting an officer," she barely kept herself from throwing him up against the wall.

"Yes, officer. I'm sorry," he released her, "but you are not authorized to be back here."

"Detective Stabler is my partner and this badge is the _only_ authorization I need," she snapped, nearly shoving the shining shield into his face.

A doctor finally heard the commotion and came out of a nearby room, "Lee, it's fine. I'll take care of her."

Olivia glared at the doctor, "I'm not going _anywhere_ until I see my partner."

Smiling kindly, he took her by the elbow, "You _must_ be Liv."

Bewildered, she stopped, her narrowed eyes drilling into his as she turned to him, "I didn't give anyone my name."

Laughing quietly, the amused doctor started down the hall again pulling her along, "Your partner has been mumbling your name for the last fifteen minutes."

"What?! Why didn't you come for me?" she demanded to know.

"He's still not fully conscious, and we just got the results of the MRI. I was reading them when I heard you. I would have come to talk with you after I finished," he smiled at her again.

Then he was stopping at a door and nodding for her to enter. As she did, her breath caught at the sight of Elliot semi-reclined on a bed with blue sheets. She glanced back at the doctor and he smiled, so she slowly made her way to the side of her partner. Her best friend. The man she loved more than she had loved anyone in her entire life.

A stark white bandage, approximately two by three inches, covered the gash on his forehead she had seen earlier. The right corner of his lip was split and three sterile strips held it together. Both cheeks had several abrasions and there were purple stains on his left jaw and right temple. The pinkie, ring, and middle finger on his right hand had splints and were taped together. The index finger with the oxygen monitor glowed red. His shirt and wife beater were gone; replaced by bandages across his midsection. Oxygen tubing ran from his nose to the machine at the head of the bed; the steady beep of the heart monitor told her his heartbeat was strong and regular.

The constriction of her throat caught her off guard. She wanted to cry. But she wouldn't. Not now. Not in front of the doctor. Or Elliot. Even if he was unconscious.

The doctor finished looking over the MRI results, snapped off the light on the x-ray panel and placed the sheets of film into a large envelope.

"He has three fractured ribs on the right side…fortunately, no collapsed lung…and three broken fingers on the right hand. The right forehead took five stitches…too deep to use derma-bond. We did glue the split at the lip but the strips need to stay for 3-5 days. And of course, the blow to the head rendered him unconscious resulting in a concussion, but the MRI is clean for bleeding in the brain or a cracked skull. He'll have a headache for a few days, and some possible memory loss, confusion, but overall, Detective Stabler is a very lucky man. This was a rather severe beating and someone who was not in the same excellent physical condition would have fared much worse," the doctor spoke quietly watching as Olivia picked up Elliot's left hand in both of hers and slowly brought it to her chest holding it close to her.

The tears were piling up and she knew she would not be able to hold them back much longer. She bit her lip hoping to keep them a bay a little longer.

Partners, eh? He smiled and thought to himself once again, yes, Detective Stabler is a very lucky man, indeed. "Do you have any questions, uh…Ms…uh…"

"Detective Benson. Olivia Benson." She turned to face the doctor and extended her hand, "I'm sorry for earlier…I was just…so…so worried about…Elli…uh…Detective Stabler."

"Not a problem, Detective Benson," he smiled again.

"Liv. Call me Liv," she smiled.

"Liv," he returned the smile as he tipped his head toward Elliot. "He should wake up soon."

"When can he go home?" she turned back to Elliot, lightly stroking his arm.

"I want him to stay overnight," he said as Olivia's head snapped up to look at him. "Just as a precaution… he lost consciousness and is still pretty much out of it. Should be released by noon tomorrow."

"Okay," she whispered.

"If there are no questions, I need to see the other patients."

She shook her head, "Thank you, doctor."

**Curtis Residence – Tuesday, May 12 – 8:30 p.m.**

Rey was beside himself with worry, tinged with anger. Yes, he knew Olivia was on a stake-out, but he had not heard from her since early afternoon. The dinner plans he had planned for them were shot and the least she could do is call and let him know that she was held up. Her lack of consideration made him mad. Of course, being a detective he was also just a bit concerned that something had gone wrong and she was hurt or in danger and had no way of letting him know.

He drank the rest of the soda in his hand and crumpled the can before tossing it toward the trash can. The sound of it clanking on the tile floor filled the apartment. Glancing at it, he saw a few drops of the cola drip to the floor. He didn't care. Closing his eyes he lay on the sofa and tried calling her again. Once again, he got that message that the customer was unavailable. The phone must be turned off.

At that precise moment, the cell rang and he quickly opened it, "Curtis."

"Rey. How ya doin'?" a familiar voice asked.

"Good. Who is this?"

"Cordoff. Listen, one of my unis said he heard there was a stake-out gone wrong. The one-six. Isn't that your girlfriend's precinct?"

Bill Cordoff was the desk sergeant at the two-seven.

"That's it…and she was on a stake-out all day. You know anything else, yeah?" Rey was already up and looking for his shoes.

"Nothing…no details, but thought I'd give you a heads up just in case," Cordoff explained.

"Okay, thanks, Bill," closing the phone he snapped it back on his belt and headed out.

**Lenox Hill Hospital – Elliot Stabler's Room – Tuesday, May 12 – 8:50 p.m.**

Elliot had been mumbling and he definitely called for Olivia, and her heart nearly leaped out of her body each time, but he had yet to open his eyes. She had been sitting in a chair next to the bed or standing beside him since the doctor led her to him. He had just been put into a private room for overnight observation and they were finally settled. She was unwilling to leave his side because she wanted to be there when he woke up. She had called Maureen and she was going to get in touch with the others and be there soon. Olivia had wanted to wait until he awoke to let the kids know what had happened, but since it was taking so long she thought it best to notify them. She expected them to be there any minute.

Thinking about Elliot's kids caused her to think about Rey's three daughters. She had been around them a fair amount, and they all got along well, but she still didn't feel she knew them as well as she should to be marrying their father in a couple of days. Ironically, the oldest daughter was named Olivia, but Rey called her Livvie. She was twenty and attended Boston College. Next was eighteen year old Serena. Olivia could not believe that Rey had a daughter with the same name as Olivia's mother. Either this relationship was truly meant to be or it was doomed from the beginning, she thought.

Serena, or Rena, as she was known, graduated early and had taken so many AP courses in high school she already had a year and half of college credits. She was finishing up her second year at New York College in just a few weeks, then transferring to Bryn Mawr in the fall. The youngest of the girls was Isabel, or Belle as Rey called her. She would be a senior in high school next year and though technically she lived with Rey, in actuality she spent much more time at her maternal grandparents' home due to Rey's job. All the girls were sweet and they treated Olivia with kindness and respect.

"Liv?" a voice quietly called out.

Breaking her reverie, Olivia's eyes shifted to see Maureen standing at the doorway with Kathleen, Dickie and Lizzie standing behind her. Eli was the only Stabler child not there and that was only because he was too young.

Quickly she was on her feet and went to them to envelope them in a group hug, "Hey, guys."

"What happened?" Dickie wanted to know. "Maur told us some of it."

Olivia brushed his bangs from his face and smiled. Then she began to explain about the stake-out, what had happened, Elliot's injuries and how he was doing. When she finished, all the kids began talking at once, asking her a million questions. Perhaps it was all those familiar voices or maybe it was just the increased noise level, but Elliot began to stir and mumble. This silenced all of them and they slowly made their way to his bedside. Olivia hung back giving his kids their rightful place by their father.

Caught up watching the Stabler children, she did not hear the door open again and was brought out of her thoughts by her name being called from behind.

"Liv?"

She turned and saw Rey, concern written on his face. After her initial thought to call him not long after arriving at the ER, she had completely forgotten about him. No doubt he would be upset about that oversight, but perhaps when he knew the whole story he would be forgiving.

"Rey," she smiled as she went to him. "I meant to call, I'm sorry…but things have been wild."

Kissing her lightly on the lips, he hugged her and then pulled back to look over at Elliot, "He okay?"

Turning to face Elliot and his kids, Olivia nodded, "The doctor says so even though he has yet to wake up from the blow to his head."

"That's good. Those all his kids?"

"Except for the youngest," she smiled. "Let's go out to talk."

They walked about thirty feet down to a small alcove at the end of the hall that had a couple of vending machines and a small sitting area. Olivia scrounged a dollar bill from her jeans and bought a bottle of orange juice. The slaw dog she had eaten six hours ago having long worn off, she suddenly found herself starving. Until she knew Elliot was going to be okay, food or drink never even occurred to her.

"Why didn't you call?" Rey asked as he watched her take a long swallows of the juice.

Pulling the bottle from her mouth, she ran her hand around the top of it as though cleaning it, then replaced the top. "I…it…was…I just was too worried about Elliot…I wasn't thinking very clearly," she shrugged. "I'm sorry."

Nodding slightly, he squinted at her, "Too worried? Didn't you think about how worried _I _would be about _you_ when you didn't show up, didn't call?"

Looking up at him, she could not hold his gaze. She let out a long breath, "I'm sorry, Rey. I didn't mean for you to worry…you know how this job is and…"

Rey grabbed her arms and jerked her up to him, "Yeah! I know _exactly_ how this job is and _exactly_ what could happen to you out in the field and especially on a stake-out!"

"I told you things were crazy and I was worried about…" she struggled against him.

He cut her off, "About your partner…too worried about Stabler to take a minute to call your fiancé, the man you are _marrying_ in a couple of days! What am I supposed to make of that, Olivia?"

He pulled her closer, his grip tightening, "Tell me."

"I was supposed to have my partner's back and he got the crap beat out of him. I was upset, Rey! I'm _still_ upset!" she pulled away from him and he finally released her.

"Too upset to call me? I had to hear from someone at my precinct that a stake-out involving one-six's SVU had gone bad. And I had no idea what that meant, Olivia!"

"What do you want me to say? I already apologized," she locked eyes with him.

"Olivia?" Lizzie's head leaned out of Elliot's room.

Rey and Olivia stared at each other for a long minute, before Olivia turned and headed toward Lizzie. "What's up, honey?"

"Daddy's asking for you," she told her.

Rey was right behind her as she walked toward the room, "So, your partner calls and you go running. But you don't think to call me. You always have jumped at _his_ every command."

"Not now, Rey. I'm not fighting with you about this," she pushed the door open and went inside.

Rey watched as she went to Elliot's bedside. He saw how he smiled and reached for her. Olivia went into his arms like it was the most natural thing in the world. And Rey Curtis was furious. Hurt. Jealous. But he was not giving up. He gave them a minute and then made his own way to Elliot's side. Olivia looked up in surprise and Elliot, still groggy, just stared at him as they pulled apart.

"Stabler," he nodded and smiled. "Glad to see you are okay."

Rey extended his hand for a shake but Elliot held up his hand with the three broken fingers, shrugged and raised his eyebrows.

"Appreciate that. If Liv hadn't been there to collar the perp, there's no telling where I'd be right now," he spoke slowly, smiling at Olivia as he talked.

"If you had taken a second to let me know what you were doing, all of this might not have happened at all," she corrected him, smiling back.

"I've got a major headache and lots of other aches and pains as a reminder for next time," he shifted slightly, groaning as he did.

"You okay, Daddy?" Maureen stroked his left arm.

"Uh-huh…just…uh…tired. Did they…give me…uh…pain medica…" his voice trailed off as he fell asleep.

"We should let him rest. Liv, we all have finals tomorrow and I hate to ask you but…" Maureen started.

Olivia jumped in, "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here until he is released tomorrow and see that he gets settled at home."

"You sure?" Maureen asked as her eyes shot toward Rey.

"Positive," she smiled.

Amid whispers of 'I love yous', the kids kissed and hugged Elliot, and then did the same to Olivia before heading out. Rey watched from the side of the room, not knowing quite what to think about the interaction between Olivia and the Stabler kids. He supposed he was astonished that they all still seemed to have such a good relationship. He could not help but wish she knew his daughters better.

When they were all gone, he asked quietly, "Why are you staying?"

Looking at him in disbelief, she frowned, "Because he's my partner. And I don't want him to be alone in the hospital."

"I don't want you to stay. You've already been with him all day and it's going on ten o'clock now," Rey's eyes were dark and angry.

Biting on her bottom lip, she shook her head. "I'm _not_ leaving Elliot, Rey," her eyes burned with determination as she dragged a chair closer to the bed and sat down.

"What about me, Olivia?" he asked quietly.

"You didn't have your head bashed in and get beat half to death," she reminded him.

"That what would take to get you to pay attention to me?"

"Rey, please," she begged.

Getting up, she crossed the room, wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. Despite his anger, his arms went around her and held her close. "Please come home," he pleaded.

She kissed him again before she pulled away. Rey watched her as she walked back to Elliot. She pulled the covers up across his chest, and straightened the various tubings. Then she repositioned the chair closer to the bed and sat down, crossing her legs.

"I'm not leaving, El."

She spoke more to herself than to Rey, and when she looked up he was gone. She picked up Elliot's injured hand, caressing it.

Gently, she lifted his hand to her lips kissing it lightly. She leaned forward and whispered to him, "I'll be right here, El. Right here beside you."

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	5. Chapter 5

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**What a long story this has turned out to be for what I thought was going to be a 'one-shot'! I don't think I really even know what that means! LOL! I DO, however, promise that the next chapter is the last. And OMGoodness, it's something else, even if I do say so myself! All comments are welcome! " ) Bensler**

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**Chapter 5 **

**Lenox Hill Hospital – Elliot Stabler's Room – Wednesday, May 13 – 7:45 a.m. **

Looking around at his surroundings, he was not quite certain where he was at first. He realized he was in a hospital at the same time he became aware of various pains shooting through his body. Almost immediately the memories of yesterday raced through his head. Robert Pratt had beaten him with a piece of a wooden crate used to ship custom made cabinets.

Feeling a tickling on his right arm, he looked down to see Olivia's hair was being lightly blown across his arm by the air conditioner vent just above them. She was sound asleep, her head on the mattress near his ribs, her right arm draped across his stomach. He wanted to touch her, run his hands through her hair, feel the smoothness of her cheek, but the fingers of her left hand were laced with his right and because of the pain in his left shoulder he could not quite reach her with his left hand.

She was facing him and he took in everything about her. Her full lips, parted slightly; her slightly down turned nose. It was one thing she had told him she did not like about her looks, but for the life of him he could not understand. He loved her nose. To him she was absolutely perfect. She had apparently gotten some sun recently because her skin was darker than in the winter, and he had not even noticed before now.

What little makeup was left was smeared under her eyes and he thought about how beautiful her brown eyes were; how they would twinkle when she laughed; light up with amusement; fill with empathy for a victim; roll in disgust or at foolishness; turn blacker than coal in anger. He thought about how she could say so much with just a look; narrowing, widening the eyes, raising an eyebrow; glaring, pleading, loving. How could he have ever let her go? In just a few days she would belong to another man, bear his name, and wear his ring. He felt another pain shoot through him, but recognized it for what it was…his heart shattering.

She moved her left hand to scratch her nose, being tickled by her blowing hair. Shifting in the chair, she moaned softly. Slowly, she opened her eyes and looked right into his intently staring at her. She sat up straight, stretched and then rubbed her neck with her left hand, yawning.

"How long you been awake?" she asked, smiling as she yawned again.

"About ten minutes. Still sleepy?" he smiled.

Yawning a third time, she ran her hands across her eyes, "Nothing that a steaming cup of coffee wouldn't take care of."

"You don't drink coffee anymore," he reminded her.

"After a day and night like I just had, yes, I do," she stood up and twisted from side to side, her back cracking and popping. "How you feelin'?"

"Like I went a few rounds with a ball bat," he told her, watching her continue her stretching routine.

"Well, trust me, you look like it, too," she slowly shook her head. "I gotta get some coffee."

A nurse entered the room, "Good morning, Detective. I'm your nurse - Sheryl. How are you feeling today?"

"About as bad as my partner here tells me I look," he tipped his head toward Olivia, a smirk playing at his lips.

"Oh? Perhaps I could talk to your partner about being supportive and encouraging," she winked at Olivia.

"Actually, that'd be great. I was thinking she needs to run through our department's sensitivity training again," he teased, giving the nurse a big grin.

"Yea? And you need a refresher course in 'Keeping Your Partner Informed During Stake-outs for Dummies,'" Olivia rolled her eyes and smarted back.

Nurse Sheryl smiled at the apparent concern the woman had for the injured man and his obvious feelings for her. She took his blood pressure, temperature and listened to his heart. Then she removed the bandage on his forehead.

"This can remain off now. It's stopped bleeding," she threw the bandage in the 'hazardous waste' bin. Then put a small, transparent band-aid on it. "Keep one of these on it for the next day or so. The butterfly tape needs to stay on this cut by your lip for a couple more days. You can shower normally just pat the wounded areas dry."

She pulled the covers from his chest and gently probed his rib area. Despite trying not to show it hurt, he groaned several times, "How is the pain on scale of one to ten?"

"Right now, an eleven," leaning back on the pillow he closed his eyes.

Olivia smiled at the admission, "Don't be such a baby, Stabler."

"You're due for more pain meds but you should eat something before taking them. Breakfast should be here soon. The doctor is doing rounds, and once he sees you, I believe you will be discharged. You'll be home in time for lunch," she smiled at him then turned to Olivia, "All men are big babies when it comes to hospitals. Just take good care of him and he'll be good as new in a few days."

"Yea…just in time for the wedding," sarcasm filled Elliot's voice.

"Wedding? You two are getting married? How sweet. I just _knew_ there was something between you," she grinned as she left the room, leaving behind too very uncomfortable people.

The stare became too intense and Olivia was the one to look away, "I'm gonna go look for coffee. You want one?"

"You still going through with it, huh?"

"Yea…I need the caffeine…"

"The wedding, Olivia."

She stopped and blinked. Of course, he was talking about the wedding, not coffee. "W-why wouldn't…I go through with it?"

If the man had any sense he would realize she was asking him, begging him to give her a reason to back out. All he had to do was tell her not marry Rey and she would call it off. In a New York minute. Instead he was quiet.

Chewing on his bottom lip, he looked away for a long time before he finally lifted his eyes to hers again, "Why'd you stay here last night?"

Shrugging, she told him, "I wanted to be sure you were okay."

"I'm in a hospital, Olivia. They _wake_ you up to see if you are okay," he knew he was sarcastic but didn't care.

She had to smile at that, but she could not look at him. "I…just…I…didn't want you to…to be alone," she told him. I wanted to be here when you woke up, you idiot, she thought.

The smile that covered his face was sad and she wanted to make it go away. "Rey didn't mind?"

"It wasn't up to Rey," her eyes shot to his as her answer flew out of her mouth. Now her eyes fell to the floor, knowing he could read her if she continued looking in his eyes.

"So, he _did_ mind you staying?" he was going to push the envelope.

Sighing, she ran her hands through her hair and then back to rub her forehead. This man knew just what to say and do to give her a headache.

"What do you want to know, Elliot? That he told me _not_ to stay? That he _asked_ me to come home? That he said I had been with you _all_ day? It was _not_ his decision to make. It was mine. And I stayed because you are my partner. And I'd like to _think_ because you are still my friend."

Yes. That was exactly what he wanted to know. Because now he knew there was trouble brewing in her paradise.

The trademark smirk tugged at his lips, "Thanks for staying, Liv."

Shaking her head, she decided to turn things on him. "Well, none of this would have happened if you had just given me a heads up when you saw Pratt. What were you thinking, Elliot?"

"I don't know…we waited so long and when I realized he came out of the side door, I just reacted," he explained.

"Yea? Well, your reaction could have gotten you killed!"

"But it didn't. Not gonna get rid of me that easy. I'm still here as your sidekick and thorn in the flesh," he grinned.

Olivia just looked at him and thought to herself, 'if only you knew'.

**Curtis Residence – Wednesday, May 13 – 6:50 p.m **

Knocking on the door again for the third time, Olivia checked her watch. Maybe he wasn't home yet. Maybe they caught a case late or got a lead or something. She had called Rey repeatedly during the day, but either he was tied up or he was ignoring her. As much as she hated to think it, she was positive it was the latter. She knew he was upset with her for wanting to stay with Elliot last night, but Elliot was her partner and Rey would just have to get used to that fact.

She had driven Elliot home from the hospital, stopping along the way to get his prescription for pain meds filled, pick up a few groceries and some Chinese takeout. Knowing he needed rest more than anything, she got him settled and was about to leave when he begged her to stay and eat. She finally agreed but left as soon as they had finished. She went to work for the afternoon and when she couldn't get a hold of Rey, she stayed a little later catching up on paperwork.

Her hand rapped against the wood one more time. No answer. Giving up, she had just turned away and taken a couple of steps when she heard the metal sliding against metal as he unlocked the door. She turned back just as he opened it and their eyes met and she knew he was still peeved. It emanated from him even at this distance. Deciding to ignore it for now, she smiled.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You…uh…didn't return any of my calls or texts."

"Busy day."

She nodded. "Well, can I come in?"

Standing aside, he pulled the door open allowing her step inside.

Rey closed the door and then went to the kitchen where he was in the middle of fixing something to eat. He continued building a sandwich with layers of cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, turkey, ham and pastrami. Slathering mustard and mayonnaise on the bread, he looked up at Olivia.

"You eat?"

"Uh…no. No, I haven't."

"You're welcome to make a sandwich," he told her as he cut his sandwich into two triangles and grabbed the bag of potato chips on the counter and sat down at the table.

Tipping her head in acknowledgment, any doubt that he was angry flew out the window. Any other time he would have started right in making her a sandwich just like she wanted it and insisted she eat whether she was hungry or not. He also would have insisted that she sit down and rest while he did so. Yep, Rey was mad. But she was starving, so she began making a sandwich.

"How was your day?" she asked.

"Long," he answered brusquely.

"Oh…catch a late case or lead?"

"No."

"So why was it long?"

Not bothering to look at her, he shrugged.

Okay. So, he was not exactly in conversational mode.

By the time she was ready to sit down and eat, he was nearly finished. Two bites later he wiped his mouth and took his plate to the sink and began putting away the sandwich makings. She could not help but compare this meal to lunch when Elliot had pleaded with her to stay and eat with him. Olivia only finished half of her sandwich and now sat staring at the other half while twirling her bottle of water around in her hands. She saw Rey glance at her from the kitchen and she looked up at him. He turned away and began wiping the counters.

"So…are we going to talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about?"

"Rey…" she sighed and rolled her eyes.

Arms spread apart, dishrag in his right hand he leaned on the kitchen counter, staring at her.

Now she was angry. "Fine. Have it your way!" she jumped up from the table, grabbed her keys and headed for the door. "Thanks for the sandwich!"

Rey threw the dish rag on the counter and ran to stop her, slamming the door as it opened barely an inch. He grabbed her by her right arm and turned her to face him. "No. You aren't running out me!"

"Well, I'm not gonna stay here and get the cold shoulder! So, make up your mind! We gonna talk about what's eating you or not?" she jerked her arm successfully releasing his grip on her.

Running his hands over his head, he turned a complete circle before facing her again. "You _know_ what's eating me, Olivia."

She raised her chin in defiance, "I'm sorry, Rey, but you are just going to have to get over it."

He laughed but there was nothing humorous about it. "Get over it? I'm supposed to get over my fiancé wanting to spend the night with her former boyfriend? Even after I asked you not to? Just _get_ over it? I don't understand you, Olivia. I don't understand you at all," he grumbled, arms folded across his chest.

"He's my _partner_, Rey. He didn't have anyone else to stay with him last night. I couldn't leave him there alone. Why can't you understand that?" she reached out and put her hand on right arm.

He just stared at her, shaking his head.

"What if Lennie had gotten beat up? Wouldn't you have stayed with him?"

"Yea…but this is a little different. You and Stabler used to…you were…you know what I mean. It's not the same Olivia. It's not."

"Rey, in less than three days I'm marrying you. Doesn't that tell you what you need to know? Huh?" she walked up to him and took his face in her hands.

He pulled back from her a little but she knew it wasn't what he really wanted to do. She brought his face to hers, their lips touching as she whispered to him, "Rey, don't be mad at me. Okay?" She kissed him lightly. "I don't want us to fight. Please?" She kissed him again and this time his arms went around her and he pulled her close to him and kissed her back.

**SVU Squad Room – Thursday, May 14 – 4:19 p.m. **

This was Olivia's last day at work before she got married. And for all the work she got done she might as well have not been there. Then she would be off for a week for the honeymoon and when she returned she would be Olivia Curtis. Detective Olivia Benson Curtis. Curtis and Stabler. It did not sound right. She sighed and looked across her desk at Elliot's empty one. She missed him so much and it had only been two days. Cragen had told him he could not come back until he had a medical release and his appointment wasn't until Monday morning. Elliot was furious, but apparently was still in a good bit of pain or he would have argued more. She regretted that they didn't have at least one more day as partners before she became a married woman.

Before she knew it, she was daydreaming about her and Elliot. When they had been together it was so good. Better than she would have ever thought they could be. She loved him. He loved her. She had never been one to show much affection, but with Elliot, it was like they always had to be touching, kissing, near each other. It came so easily being with him. Over the years she had spent hours analyzing their relationship and finally decided that they had cared too much for too long for one another. Too much when he was married and unavailable. That had to be the underlying cause for so much of the tension and discord between them, especially after Kathy left him and they were separated for two years.

But once he had divorced and then asked her out, and they finally confessed their love for each other it was as though everything fell into place. They just clicked and it felt so good. So right. Things were just as they should be. Until she pushed the issue of marriage. She still did not understand his reluctance. And she chided herself for even thinking about these things when in less than forty-eight hours she was going to be vowing herself to another man.

"Olivia?"

Startled, she jumped at Captain Cragen's voice and looked toward his office. His hands were on either side of the doorway, "Got a minute?"

"Sure," she got up and made her way to his office.

"Sorry…didn't mean to scare you," he smiled as he closed the door and motioned for her to sit down.

Taking a seat on the edge of his desk, he smiled at her and cleared his throat. She smiled back, and sensing some tension in the air, she tried to lighten things, "So, what is this? Last minute advice or something?"

Chuckling, he nodded, "Well, actually since you've given me the honor of giving you away, I suppose I feel like that entitles me to give you the fatherly advice speech."

"Well, you are the closest thing I've ever had to a father, so I am honored that you want to give me a fatherly speech," she smiled again at the older man.

He looked at her for a long time, as though he were memorizing her face or analyzing what he should say. His eyes were warm and yet, a bit troubled, she realized.

"We've know each other eleven years now, Olivia. I remember the first day you came into my office…you were so young, a good cop but way too naïve for a sex crimes unit. I did not see how this beautiful, smart young woman would make it in this unit. I even told Elliot to keep an eye on you and make sure you knew SVU wasn't for everyone. At least he did part of that," Cragen laughed.

"What?"

"He's kept his eye on you all these years. And I'm sure it wasn't because I told him to. And you surprised me, Olivia. You have been one of the best SVU detectives I've ever known. Over the years, I've come to know and love you and that is why I want what I am about to say needs to be taken with a grain of salt, knowing that it is only because I care about you that I even say these things."

"Captain?" she was a bit worried now.

"Rey Curtis is a fine man. Lennie Briscoe always had favorable things to say about him. He'll be a good husband, Olivia. He deserves a good wife. A wife that loves him completely."

"Don…" she did not like where this was heading.

"Please…this is not easy for me. Please, let me say what I need to," holding up his hands, he took a deep breath, "There's something between you and Elliot that I have never, and I do mean never, seen between two people in my entire life. I know the two you tried to be together and for whatever reason it did not work out. I just want to say this, Olivia. I've seen what the two of you had almost from day one. It doesn't come along very often. Before you marry Rey, you need to be absolutely certain that whatever you and Elliot had is in the past. _Totally_ in the past. Otherwise, you will never be completely happy," he now reached forward and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Are you telling me you don't think I should marry Rey? That's a pretty low blow, Don, this late in the game," she felt the anger flooding through her.

"That's not what I'm telling you at all, Olivia. But what I saw in you in the ER while we were waiting on news about Elliot, was not a partner's concern for her partner," his eyes held hers and she had to look away.

She knew what he meant and she knew he was right, but she was going to make him say it. She looked at him, "What do you mean?"

Searching her eyes, he squatted next to her, taking her hands in his, "What I saw was a woman who was worried about the man she is in love with."

She pulled her hands from his and stood up, "Elliot made the choice. Not me. Now I'm supposed to give up on ever having a husband and kids because he doesn't want that again?"

"Olivia…no. You are not supposed to give up. I just want you to be sure that you fought for what you wanted and now you have gone on with your life. Don't marry Rey to forget Elliot. It will never work, honey. It will never work," he pulled her into a hug just before the tears in her eyes spilled over.

The anger drained from her when he called her 'honey'. She knew he cared about her and was only saying what she had already thought about for months on end. She clung to him and when they finally drew back from the hug, she kissed his cheek.

"Thank you, Don," she sniffled.

"Olivia, can I ask you something?"

She nodded.

"Do you love Rey?"

What is it with the men in her life asking her if she loves Rey? She felt the anger wash back over her as she seethed, "I'm marrying him, aren't I?"

She turned and fled Captain Donald Cragen's office and the SVU.

The Captain shook his head and sighed, knowing he had done all he knew to do.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	6. Chapter 6

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**Please forgive me...I know I promised this would be the last chapter...but it got so long and I am having a time deciding on how to handle an issue that I just decided to post the first part as a separate chapter...forgive me?? Still love me?? Okay, okay...still _like_ me...at least a little bit?? " ) Bensler**

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**Chapter 6**

**Harrington Jewelers – Manhattan - Friday, May 15 – 1:45 p.m. **

"Oliva?"

Her head jerked to face him.

"Which one?" Rey held two rings in his hand and glanced at three others on the counter.

The jeweler, a younger man, was quickly becoming impatient; they had been looking for nearly an hour. Which ring? She didn't know. They were all pretty. But, in truth, she really did not care. She just wished he would pick something so they could get out of there. For some reason the air in the small shop had become stifling and she needed fresh air to breathe. She almost felt panicky and just needed to clear her head.

"I…I don't know. They're all okay. Which one do you like better?" she pretended to stare at the sets of matching bands like she could not make up her mind.

"Well, if you are really okay with any of them, then I'd like the two tone set. You prefer the platinum and I prefer gold. What you think?" he picked up the two tone set and tilted it making them shine in the reflection of the fluorescent lighting.

Olivia took the box from him and looked at the tag hanging from it. Milgrain wedding band in platinum and 18k gold, 6mm wide. $1775.00 for his, $1850.00 for hers, which was bit wider at 8mm.

"That's a lot of money…" she trailed off.

"Didn't you hear? I'm loaded," he smiled. "That's not an issue. What do you think, Liv?"

Not an issue? Fine by her. She smiled at him, "Perfect."

He took the bride's band from the box and took her hand to try it on her but she jerked her hand from his.

"No! It's bad luck!" she exclaimed jerking her hand from away. She did not want to try on the ring. She just wanted to get out of there.

"Okay, okay. Calm down," he frowned at her but then smiled softly. She must really be having pre-wedding jitters, he told himself. "What if it doesn't fit?"

"It's a six and half. It will fit."

He turned to the young man behind the counter, "We'll take these."

"I'm going to step outside," she whispered to him.

"You all right?"

Nodding, she answered, "I just need some fresh air."

After the purchase of the rings, Rey talked her into dinner at a small steak house. She really just wanted to go home, take a shower and chill out. Alone. She was not very talkative during the meal and if Rey asked her one more time if she was all right, she was going to smack him. As soon as he pushed his plate away, she stood up and told him she was tired and would catch a cab home.

"What?" he stood, too. "I'll see you home. It's early. I thought we could watch a movie or something…"

"Not tonight. I'm tired…and I just need some time alone. Besides I've got a lot of things to get ready for tomorrow," she smiled as she took his hand and squeezed it.

He stared at her, wanting to ask what was wrong, but decided against it. "Alone? Well, I'm still going to see that you get home."

Holding her hand tightly in his he went to the cashier to pay the bill and then outside to hail a cab. Once they got to her building, he tried to get her to let him walk her up, but she knew if he did he would manage to wangle is way in and she really needed some space.

Finally, Rey was gone and she was alone. Her mind felt like the inside of a pinball machine. Thoughts running loose and banging into the walls, pinging off the bumpers making all kinds of noise and disturbances. If she did not figure out a way to clear it very soon, she was certain that at any minute a big, flashing 'TILT' would appear signaling the end of any facade of sanity.

The hot water washed some of the tension from her body, the rest of it, she had decided, was a permanent part of her body. After bathing and washing her hair she stood under the spray until it began to run cool. Grabbing a towel, she wrapped it around her and reached for another for her hair as her eyes caught her blurred reflection in the steamy mirror. Leaning forward she used the end of the towel to clear an area of the mirror allowing her face to come into focus.

Olivia stared at the woman before her. She looked normal enough. Even sane, rational by normal standards. In her mind, she knew it was her own reflection, but in some way did not feel like she knew the woman in the reflection nor did she recognize her. Olivia was strong, confident, but the eyes of the woman that met her gaze, were unsure, confused, filled with question and a hopelessness. She stared into the woman's eyes until the reflection absorbed her, and dragged her into another dimension.

Her surroundings paled around her and all she saw was the questioning, haunted, brown eyes staring at her from the prison of glass. It was as though her whole being had been immersed in the chocolate pools and was now given the opportunity to see within the woman to the very depth of her soul. To places that she hid from others. Places she hid even from herself. Her ears strained at a noise. It began as a low rumbling. A sound she could not place, yet somehow accepted as familiar. Then she realized it was a voice but she understood only a few words. It became louder and clearer and then she knew. It wasn't just any voice. It was _his_.

'_I'm just glad you have someone. _

_Look, you and this job are about the only things that I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that. I couldn't take it. _

_I did what I had to do._

_I'm your partner for better or worse. _

_Why didn't tell me? _

_Yea? And look how good you turned out._

_You're okay._

_I don't want to wreck that._

_I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man. _

_I'd give you a kidney._

_Yeah, well, you know, things change._

_I couldn't take it._

_I think if you loved him, you wouldn't have any problem saying it._

…_the only things that I've got anymore._

_I'm your partner for better or worse. _

_...your partner for better or worse…_

_Better or worse…I couldn't take it…better or worse…things change…better or worse... don't want to wreck that…better or worse…better or worse…'_

Vows…marriage vows.

Caught within the reflection, she felt trapped, unable to find her way out. Still staring at the brown eyes, _her_ eyes, her hands quickly covered her ears, unable to listen to his voice any longer. It was useless because the sound, his voice was inside. _Inside_ her head, because he was in her head, just like he was under her skin and she couldn't stop his voice because she couldn't get him out of her head. Ever. And it was then she realized she _was_ the reflection, the reflection her. She was the one who was unsure, confused. The questions filled _her_ eyes. She was going crazy. No. She _was_ crazy. Crazy to be thinking like this, to be questioning if what she was doing was right. If marrying Rey was what she really wanted out of life.

Vow. A solemn promise or assertion; an earnest declaration, specifically one by which a person is bound to an act, service, or condition, sometimes made to a deity or saint. A vow. For better or worse. '_I'm your partner for better or worse_.'

Her chest heaved with the emotional turmoil and she pulled away from the mirror, tightening the towel around her as the shrill tone of her cell phone stole her attention just as she fled to the safety of her bedroom. Snatching it from the belt still in her discarded jeans heaped on the floor with her blouse, she opened it. If this was Rey calling again…

"Benson."

"Hey."

Stilled by the sound of the voice, she was aware of the atmosphere around her thickening, making it nearly impossible to get her breath. It was _the_ voice.

"Liv?"

The voice in her _head_. She nodded as though he could see her.

"You there?"

_The _voice in her head_. His_ voice. She needed to respond somehow.

Nodding her head again, she finally managed a breathless, "Uh-huh…"

On his end he frowned. She did not sound right. Something was wrong. Getting her to admit that, let alone tell him what it was, would be a lost cause, he knew.

"Catch you at a bad time?"

"Uh…no…not really."

"Not really?"

"Just…uh…got out of the shower."

He could have lived without knowing that, he thought to himself as he closed his eyes and forced himself to put a hold on his imagination.

"If this is a case, you know I'm off…Fin's covering for me."

"No…yeah, I know…I just wanted…I…we…uh…haven't talked to today…"

Calming down a bit, she was getting her thoughts back, "Elliot, there are a lot of days we don't talk."

"Yea…but this is different."

"Different?"

"This time tomorrow you'll be a married woman…and…I…" I'll be dying inside, dead, he wanted to say. "I…won't be able to call you like this anymore."

"Oh, you'll still be calling me like this…we'll still be partners," she reminded him.

"I'm not calling as your partner."

"Oh." She was quiet for a long time and so was he. "What are you calling as then?"

"I'm…I don't…I'm not sure. What should I be calling as?"

'Don't put this off on me', she screamed inside her head. "You're the one who called, you tell me."

Should he tell her now and ruin her wedding? Should he just let her go as Cragen told him to do? What did she want him to do, he wondered. If he told her, would she throw it in his face and go on with the wedding? He could not take that. Rejection. Yet, isn't that what he had done to her?

Tell me the truth, she inwardly begged. Tell me you still want me and love me. Tell me not to marry Rey. Tell me, Elliot. And I will call it off. Please. Just tell me.

"I'm your friend, Olivia. I just wanted to talk to you about tomorrow," he cleared his throat.

"Oh…" she held her breath.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Liv?"

What? Is he brain-dead? It is the night before her wedding! What does he expect her to say? "If it weren't, do you really think I would be marrying him?"

Why couldn't she just answer the question instead of asking one of him? He sensed she was not being truthful and almost called her out on it, but neither was he, so he let it slide.

Cowardice won out.

"I…I guess not. Well, I j-just wanted to wish you the best. I hope you will be very happy," he spoke quietly.

His voice was chipper, too high, for him to be speaking honestly. And Olivia knew it. When she said nothing, he continued.

"You know, that's all I _ever_ wanted, Olivia…was for you to be happy," his voice fell and was low and raspy and it made her think of things she shouldn't. Not when she was marrying another man in a matter of hours.

"No - you don't," she said softly though she wanted to rail in anger.

"Excuse me?" he asked, incredulous that she did not believe him.

"If that were true, Elliot, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Listen, I'm really tired and I have a lot to do…so…" her voice was somehow firm.

"Wait…"

"I hope you will be there for me tomorrow, Elliot."

"Liv…"

"But if not, I understand. I do."

"Liv!"

"Goodnight, El," and with that she closed the phone, his protesting words ringing in her ear, and promptly broke into tears.

**Stabler Residence – Saturday, May 16 – 12:30 p.m**

Elliot changed his tie again, pulling one from the pile that now littered his bed along with five or six shirts. First it had been the shirt. The one thing he was positive of was wearing his navy blue pin-striped suit. But he could not decide between a white shirt and a blue one. He had several blue shirts in contrasting shades. Finally, he decided on the one Olivia had bought for him last summer because she said it was the same blue as his eyes and she knew he would look great in it. It was a medium blue.

Pulling it on again for at least the third time, he wondered if there was some kind of rule about wearing a shirt given to you by the woman whose wedding you were about to attend. The woman who had been your girlfriend, the woman you loved. Still loved. Figuring she would be too wound up and caught up in her special day, she would never notice, he opted to wear it. Somehow it made her seem close to him and he liked that feeling. Looking in the mirror, he pulled the navy patterned tie off and threw it back on the bed. Too conservative. He was stressing way too much over his clothing. Way more than he ever had in the past. For anyone.

Remembering a tie Kathleen had given him for his birthday in April, he went to the closet and pulled down a box. There it was. When she gave it to him, he thought he would never wear it. But holding it in his hand now, he thought it might be just what he needed. Tie in one hand, jacket in the other, he held them up next to his shirt and checked it out in the mirror. Perfect. Navy pin-striped suit, medium blue shirt, silver tie.

After she hung up on him last night he had spent the rest of the evening and night debating on whether or not to attend her wedding. But in the end he decided he needed to see it for himself. It was the only way he would have any chance of putting Olivia behind him completely. Of course, he had not yet told her his plans. He had not told anyone because he only decided for sure when he decided he had to be at the wedding. Not for her, but for himself.

Come Monday morning while she was on her honeymoon, he planned to give Cragen the 'request for transfer' that he had filled out the morning they were assigned the stakeout. He knew he would not be able to work with her anymore. Not with a hole in his heart that was her exact shape and size. Now he thought he understood why she had run away from him so many times in the past and at last could forgive her.

**Cherry Hill – Central Park, NYC – Saturday, May 16 – 1:25 p.m. **

Cherry Hill gets its name from the cherry trees that line the hill and brighten the landscape with their beautiful blossoms each spring. It is located just west of Bethesda Fountain, overlooking Bow Bridge, the Ramble and the eastern end of Lake Cherry Hill.

The weather was cooperative bringing gorgeous blue skies with puffy white clouds shielding the earth from the sun enough that the air was comfortable. The cherry blossoms had come into full bloom just last week and they were gorgeous in their multitude of shades of pink. One could not ask for a more perfect day for an outdoor wedding. A horse-drawn carriage stood waiting to take Olivia and Rey away from the park after the ceremony. It would be like a fairy tale.

Olivia was nervous. Her hands were sweating and she had to keep drying them on a hand towel, Alex had borrowed from the caterer. She was almost forty-one years old and getting married for the first time. She cared deeply for Rey and she knew he loved her. She would have been happy to just go the JP or let one of the judges marry them, but Rey insisted they have a formal ceremony even it were a small one. He wanted something special to mark this important event that symbolized the new life they would begin and man and wife. And he wanted her to wear a white dress and he would wear the traditional black tuxedo.

From a young age, she had viewed life as black and white. Right and wrong. Honorable and dishonorable. But then she had joined the Special Victims Unit – the world of gray. She could not remember how many times she had heard Cragen, Munch or Elliot make that comment in reference to one of the innumerable cases that had left them bewildered and questioning everything they thought they knew to be true. Everything they had once believed. In SVU too many issues had no clearly defined right and wrong, no black and white. Here too many things converged swirling into drab shades of gray – dingy, dreary, dirty.

And today, much like in her professional life, now that it was down to the wire, she found her personal life being mired in shades of gray. She was tired of being alone. Elliot didn't want to marry again. She cared about Rey – very much. She was insanely in love with Elliot. Still. Rey wanted more children. Elliot said five was enough. Rey wanted her to be his wife. Elliot just wanted her to be with him. _'__Don't marry Rey to forget Elliot'. _She knew she was settling, but she was so tired of waiting. So tired of wanting someone she could not have. '_It will never work, honey.' _She wanted a real home with a husband and children. '_It will never work.' _Rey was more than willing to provide that for her. _'Do you love Rey?'_ Pushing Cragen's voice out of her head, she set her doubts aside and forced herself to smile and be happy on her wedding day.

Alex and Casey straightened the train of Olivia's dress and Alex stilled her to touch up her eye liner as Casey brushed hair from her face. Olivia could not make up her mind as to which woman to ask to be her maid of honor so she picked them both. So Rey had asked his brother-in-law and nephew to be his best men.

Munch and Fin had come to wish her well and give her a hug and a kiss. She kept looking around for her missing partner, not wanting to ask if they knew if he were even coming. After the phone call last night she had no idea what he would do. But she needed him. How she needed him. She sighed and turned her attention to Casey and Alex and what each of them would do as the ceremony got underway.

As the three of them were talking, Casey's eyes grew wide as she looked just over Olivia's right shoulder. Just as she was about to turn around, she noticed Alex's face tighten. Before she could make a move, he was behind her.

"Olivia."

The three women exchanged looks and Olivia knew her friends read her mind. They both asked the silent questions, yet she had no answers. So, she slowly turned to toward him and smiled as Alex and Casey quietly eased away.

"I'm glad you came," she wasn't sure whether she should hug him or not; wasn't sure she could handle it, so she stayed just beyond his reach.

So handsome, the thought ran through her mind. Even with the stitches on his forehead, the butterfly tape at his lip, his face sporting bruises and scrapes, he was so good looking she could barely pull her eyes away. The navy pin-stripe was so fashionable and the silver tie really set off the blue of his shirt. A blue the same shade as his intense blue eyes. Suddenly, she recognized the shirt as the one she had given him last summer.

"You think I'd miss my best friend's wedding," he smiled.

Biting her lower lip, she stood there nervously twisting her fingers. He smiled at the antics that had so irritated him the last week or so, and then held his left hand out for her to take. Reluctantly, she placed her hand in his. He held it tightly, caressing her fingers with his.

"You look gorgeous, Liv. Absolutely stunning," he pulled her to him, holding her just for a moment before he pulled her away and then kissed her in the middle of her forehead.

Gazing at her, his blue eyes shining with the beginnings of tears, he managed to smile before he left her standing there watching as he made his way through the small crowd that was gathering.

The knot in her stomach tightened making the unsettled feeling turn nauseous.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeeo ~ ~ ~


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Thank you so much to all of you who are so faithful to not ony read, but review. I know I have been so bad about letting you know personally how much you mean to me - you words make me laugh, feel proud, and even cry....so please know I DO appreciate everyone of you! Even the 'lurkers'. **

**Hope you like the ending...and aren't too upset with me! Let me know." ) Bensler**

**P.S. I am on Twitter as Bensler822...someone else got 'Bensler' but hey, she is an SVUaholic so that is okay...just know that it is not me. " ) Bensler**

**P.S.S. Most likely this is the last you'll hear from me until I start posting the sequel to Keep It in the Family (it's being reviewed by someone)...that is, unless I throw out a shorter story that I am playing around with...a pre-ep for the season premiere. " ) **

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**Chapter 7 **

**Olivia Benson-Reynaldo Curtis Wedding – Central Park – Saturday, May 16 – 2:00 p.m. **

Elliot scanned the group looking for Fin and Munch. As he spotted them and started toward them, a hand tugging on his arm, pulling him aside, stopped him. Turning, he came face to face with blue eyes framed in brown horn-rimmed glasses.

"Alex. Hi," he smiled.

Alex's face was stern. "Whatever you are thinking, don't," she grated out in a low voice.

"I'm sorry?" he was not following her meaning. Or at least he was going to act like he did not.

"You had your chance, Elliot. This is Liv's chance. Don't screw it up for her because of your insecurities," her voice was menacing now.

"Insecurities? Who do you think you are to…" he started.

She cut him off, "I'm Olivia's friend. And I don't want her to be hurt again!"

He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her further away from the people milling about, "You think she is the only one with feelings? Huh? You think she was the only one that got hurt? "

Alex glared at him even though she knew he was hurt, too. She was there to protect Olivia.

"Well, she wasn't!" his eyes flames of fury, he released her arm and stormed off to sit with Fin and Munch.

Just as he sat down, he noticed Casey coming his way from the opposite side of the crowd. He moaned, scraping his left hand over his face, and shook his head just as she reached him. Fin and Munch looked over at him and then saw the problem.

"You come to give me down the road, too?" he snapped, as he stood to meet her.

"What?" confusion clouded her expression.

"Alex already read me the riot act," he nodded toward her, where she now stood watching the two of them.

"Oh…" she glanced at Alex and then back to Elliot. "No. I just wanted to say…I know…this is…uh…hard on you, Elliot. And I'm sorry…so sorry. For Rey, for you and for Olivia. It should be you up there, not Rey."

Elliot blinked rapidly as his eyes watered against his will and stomach began to ache, "W-w-what?"

Casey did not say anything else. Instead, she simply put her hands around his shoulders, hugged him and kissed his cheek. Then before he realized what she had done, she was gone.

He was totally screwed now. Alex sounded mad at him, Casey felt sorry for him and he did not know anything except that he still loved Olivia Benson as much as he ever had. And she was about to become the wife of another man. And here came Cragen.

"Detectives," Cragen nodded.

"Hey, Cap'n," they all said in unison.

"Olivia is simply stunning, isn't she?" Munch observed.

"Yea…I ain't never seen 'er lookin' so hot!" Fin agreed.

Cragen laughed, "Well, it is pretty hot out here."

Cragen looked over at Elliot who was staring at Olivia, yet not saying a word. He tipped his head the opposite way, "Elliot, can have a word with you?"

Elliot tore his eyes from Olivia, who just seconds before had looked his way and locked hers with his. He nodded at the captain. They walked about fifteen feet away. Cragen looked out at the lake rather than at Elliot.

"You okay?" he asked.

Elliot chewed his bottom lip for several seconds, nodding slowly, "Uh…yea…yes, Sir."

Cragen nodded, "I guess you didn't tell her you were wrong…so I'm guessing you are letting her go."

Elliot turned to look at Olivia again and just as he did she once again lifted her head to gaze at him. She smiled slightly and he thought he would die right there, right then.

Shaking his head slowly, he whispered, "I'll never let her go."

Cragen turned to see what he was looking at and when he saw Olivia staring back, he had no doubt that what she was about to do was make the biggest mistake of her life. But there was nothing he could do about it. He had tried and now it was far too late. Too late for anyone to do anything about it.

The traditional Bridal March played on the piano and accompanied by the wistful strains of a violin. With each measure of music, Elliot felt his insides crushing his heart; suffocating him. Second by second, he was dying a little.

Stunning. Beautiful. Striking. Hot. Gorgeous. Elegant. Never had he seen a lovelier bride. Never had he seen a lovelier woman, period. The dress was made for her. It accentuated her femininity, something he tended to overlook because she was Benson. Heat-packing, perv-punching, tough as nails, no nonsense Detective Olivia Benson. But today…today she was the bride and she looked spectacular.

The white dress was made of Luster satin and Schiffli Lace. The lace sleeves hugged her shoulders and the scalloped neckline was accented with crystal beading. The bodice was enhanced with crystal beaded lace and a scalloped basque waistline. The train was shorter than most and heavily decorated with Schiffli Lace & crystal beading. And it made Olivia look like she was a model who had just stepped out the latest Brides magazine.

All standing, Elliot, seated on the next to the last row, was among the first to see her, escorted by Cragen. His breath jammed in his chest and the heaviness of it caused a deep ache within his being. Olivia's eyes caught his right off and she held his gaze until they passed by. He was aware of Cragen's eyes on him, too, but they held warning. Olivia's were sad, hurt, defeated. Though she was smiling, no one but him would realize her eyes were not. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he clenched his jaw and willed his body to stay in place. To not run after her.

Judge Donnelly and Rey smiled as Olivia and Cragen made their way to the makeshift altar. Rey was beside himself with joy and happiness and there was no doubt he loved Olivia. The Judge looked out over the small gathering and began to speak.

"_Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of God – and in the face of this company…these family and friends…"_

Here we go, Elliot thought. This was it. Sick to his stomach, he had to force himself to sit upright, refusing to give in to the need to double over in pain. It was clenching so hard, it felt like someone was inside of him slugging him with a sledge hammer. Why hadn't he stopped her? Why was he sitting here watching the love of his life promise herself to another man? The perspiration burned the cuts on his forehead and lip as it trickled down his face, his neck, his back and he felt the need to rip his jacket and tie from his body for relief.

"…_is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into…"_

On a more cognizant level he was surprised that they had chosen traditional vows and more surprised that this crossed his mind which was virtually mush right about now. Reflecting upon his marriage to Kathy, he knew exactly how those vows would go…there were only minutes left. Minutes before any hope of ever being with Olivia would end with a circle of platinum and a kiss. A ring that would symbolize her vow to someone else. A kiss that would seal her commitment to another.

The Judge droned on, _"…now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace."_

Judge Donnelly paused and slowly scanned the crowd. Was it just his over active imagination or did the Judge's eyes linger a few seconds too long on his? Elliot's heart was crashing against his chest so hard, it actually hurt. He was unsure of how much longer he could quell the vomit churning his insides. 'Now!' a voice shouted in his head. 'Now! Say something, you idiot! Anything! Before it is _too_ late!' But, it was _already_ too late. He should have told her the morning he went to her apartment to confront her about the announcement. He should have told her in the hospital. He should have told her last night on the phone. He should have told her before now that he still loved her, wanted her, would do _whatever_ it took to win her back.

Seated beside him, Fin cast a worried look his way, "You okay, man?"

"_Marriage is the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind. It is intended…"_

Elliot only grimaced as he ran shaking fingers between his collar and neck, rolling his head side to side. He had to get rid of some of this tension or he would keel over right here and now. He could see the headline, 'Former Lover Collapses and Dies at Wedding of His Partner – The Woman He Still Loved.' His chest heaved with the need for more air than he was able to pull.

"_Rey and Olivia make a commitment together to face their disappointments – embrace their dreams – realize their hopes – and…"_

The question caused Munch to lean over to look past Fin to see what was going on. Elliot was deathly pale, his face drenched by the sweat pouring down his face. With his hands he wiped it away, transferring it to his slacks. Munch handed him his handkerchief and Elliot took it without an argument, merely glancing quickly at his colleague. Munch had seen Elliot in a lot of situations over the last eleven years, but even in that flash of eye contact he knew he had never seen that much pain in his eyes. Or anyone's eyes for that matter.

"…_throughout their lives together – through mutual understanding – openness – and sensitivity to each other." _

Cragen watched from his view beside Olivia, breathing a little easier now that the part of 'speak now or forever hold your peace' was past. He had no idea how Elliot could attend Olivia's wedding at all, let alone remain quiet at that part. He had fully expected him to disrupt the ceremony with all his objections. He wished he could turn around just to be sure he was doing all right. He would have to trust that Munch and Fin had everything under control. Including Elliot. Turning his attention back to the couple, he wondered again why Olivia was marrying Rey when she clearly still had such strong feelings for Elliot. And he for her. Love could be so screwed up at times, he thought. Apparently, his father-daughter advice speech did not work.

The ceremony continued as Judge Donnelly now turned to Captain Donald Cragen, _"Who gives this woman in marriage to this man?"_

Cragen smiled at Olivia, looked at the Judge and said, "I do." He kissed Olivia lightly on the cheek, took her hand and Rey's and joined them. He then took a seat on the front row.

She was a beautiful woman and a gorgeous bride. Cragen still could not help but think that even though she had waited forty-one years for this day, she was making perhaps the biggest mistake of her life. He began replaying his conversation with her the other day and then his mind took him back to that September day in 1999 when he first met Detective Olivia Benson. Her reputation had preceded her along with a jacket full of commendations. He smiled now thinking of that day.

He was not sure what he expected, but it most certainly was not this beautiful, young woman – who looked much younger than she was – with the huge, expressive brown eyes. She wore little makeup and a suit that was obviously too large for her. One thing he noticed that she had going for her was her confidence. She was confident she could do this job though he questioned it and even told Elliot to keep a close eye on her. Nearly laughing at that memory, he looked around, but everyone was intent on the ceremony. From day one, Elliot Stabler had his eye on Olivia Benson and to Cragen's knowledge that had not changed in eleven years.

"_Do you Rey take Olivia to be your wife – to live together after God's ordinance – in the holy estate…"_

Elliot's head pounded. He could not recall when he had felt such intense pain. Not when he was cut. Not when he was shot. Not when he was in that explosion with Star. Never. The nausea nearly overwhelmed him and he could not tell if it was due to the heat, the headache, or the stress of seeing Olivia marry someone else. He rubbed at his face with his bare hand, Munch's handkerchief useless now that it was soaked with perspiration. He seemed to be watching the scene from a distance, the voices echoing as though he was in a barrel. Rey smiled at Judge Donnelly and then turned his eyes to Olivia's before flashing a brighter smile.

"I do," his voice spoke strong and clear.

Elliot thought Rey must have yelled the words especially for his benefit, because they were pinging around his imaginary barrel echoing and bouncing off the walls screaming their meaning at him, laughing at him, taunting him with their finality.

"_Do you Olivia take Rey to be your husband – to live together after God's ordinance – in the holy state of matrimony?"_

Elliot's very soul was being hollowed out from within. It was crushing. He was losing it. Sliding toward the edge of what was considered normal, what was deemed sane. Losing everything he ever wanted. Ever needed. It was _all_ slipping away. _Olivia_ was slipping away.

"_Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…'_

Slipping away. _For better. For worse_. 'You're my partner for better or for worse.' Had he really said those words to her? Breathing became a conscious, extraordiary effort. In seconds, she would be out of his reach. His chest hurt from the lack air. _Forsaking all others_. The rhythm of his heart was so erratic he could not believe he was still alive. A_s long as you both shall live. _Off limits. His mind began to race with her words, his words – threats, promises, insinuations - and lightly veiled confessions of things forbidden.

'_I sure as heck wouldn't drive all the way to Queens just to save your a**.' 'Yeah, you would.' _

"Blink your lights when you get inside' 'You just gonna sit here all night until I do?' 'Yes, I am…and you know it.'

'_And I did what I had to do. The guy's murdered four people, what's to stop him from coming after you, Olivia?' 'If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one. _

'What about me?' 'You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that.'

'_Why didn't you tell me?' 'Elliot, we've been partners for seven years, longer than anybody else here. We needed a change. I'm sorry. I should have talked to you. It's just ... it's just too complicated.' _

'Is this some kind of joke?' 'The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service.'

'_So, are we okay?' 'I just need space to disagree with you so that I don't feel like it's going to cost me our partnership.' 'You've never been gun-shy before.' 'Yeah, well, you know, things change.' 'Well, like you said, you're the longest relationship that I've ever had with a man. Who else would put up with me?'_

'I'd give you a kidney.' 'Not if I gave you mine first.'

'_How's your baby?' 'Great.' He pulled her into that hug. 'You're okay.'_

It was imminent. The implosion. Inside a violent compression of everything that was Elliot Stabler edged its way past volatility to eruption. A massive vice held him captive – mind, body and soul. The external pressure was becoming more than he could withstand mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. At any moment he knew he would collapse and fall apart from within. Implode. And he had no idea what its fallout would entail. No idea if he would even any longer exist. Could exist.

"…_in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart's deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him as long as you both shall live?"_

Watching the scene before him, it took on that surreal quality of a dream. In slow motion, Olivia's mouth opened to pledge herself to Rey, to state her vow, "I…"

"Don't!" The shout echoed through the park.

Elliot shot out of his chair to stand in the center of the one aisle. The aisle lined on each side with chairs that held the handful of friends and family gathered to witness their loved ones being joined in marriage. The aisle that Olivia had walked arm in arm with Cragen at her side. The aisle in which he would either lose his life or reclaim it.

Every eye turned toward the offending, interrupting voice. Every eye stared at him in either absolute shock, horror, incredulity, amusement, disbelief, astonishment, disgust, anger or a mixture of one or more of those emotions. Judge Donnelly frowned; Cragen took a deep breath, a slight smile playing on his lips; Casey and Alex looked at each other and then Olivia, but he was aware they were fighting smiles; Fin and Munch shook their heads but poked each other; fury consumed Rey's expression, and Elliot did not care. What the others thought of him was of absolutely no worth to him. He did not care that he might have just made a fool of himself or that he just ruined Olivia's wedding. He felt he was keeping her from making a huge mistake. The only thing he cared about was Olivia. Yea, he was a little late, but not _too_ late.

Hearing _that_ voice, the one that she could not get out of her head,_ his_ voice, she snapped her head toward him. She knew just where he was sitting and when she saw him standing in the aisle, her peripheral vision began to falter. The only thing she sees as everything around her fades to black and white is the startling blue of his shirt. The one she had bought for him. And the intense blue of his eyes. His beautiful eyes, brilliant, vibrant cerulean, burning, pleading, waiting. For her.

The splash of red is effervescent against the backdrop of the white dress and the black tuxedo. The scene is now black and white sprinkled with one or two colors like an old photograph softly colored with pencils. Her lips are marked with the bright red of lipstick and he remembers the first time he kissed her and now her lips are all he sees. He remembers the first time those lips had uttered 'I love you'. And he remembers the last time. And he _cannot_ live without her.

Because his right hand was injured, he held out his left to her as he softly called her name in a voice laced with both fear and hope and love, "Olivia."

The warm brown of her eyes are at first questioning, but then as their eyes lock, he sees them begin to twinkle and shine. The shock falls from her features and a smile begins to replace it. Beginning small yet quickly becoming brilliantly white, encompassing her whole face. The smile is for him. Only him.

He loves her and now he knows she still loves him.

She breaks their gaze only to turn to Rey and whisper something to him, her head shaking as he spoke and tried to hold her. Pulling the crown of baby's breath that held her veil from her head, she dropped it at Rey's feet as she gathered her dress in her hands and ran the short way back down the aisle, the train swishing behind her. Jumping into Elliot's arms, wrapping her arms around his neck, her legs winding at his waist as their lips met in a frantic kiss, their laughter muffled by more kisses, their hot, salty tears mingling, she barely heard the crowd quietly begin to disperse.

Tears are pouring from his shining blue eyes, now rimmed in red. His hands frame her face as their eyes meet once again and all the words they needed to say were etched right there in blue and brown. Permanently. Forever.

She loves him and now she knows he still loves her.

Thoughts flood his mind. He can make things right. Yes, he can do this. He can win her back. Make her his. Yes, this time he _will_ make her his, any and every way she wanted him to do it. With his name, a ring, a kiss, a child, and piece of paper filled with words that proclaim to the world he is hers and she is his.

On a piece of paper filed somewhere in a dusty cabinet in the county courthouse are the words. Permanently, legally written in black and white.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


End file.
